Isn't life confusing?
How do people know?
What they are supposed to wear,
And where they're sposta go?
Isn't life confusing?
The rules- they number many!
Some people seem to know 'em all,
But I can't remember any!
Isn't life confusing?
Some things are just allowed,
And If you stick to doing that,
You'll make 'them' really proud!
Isn't life confusing?
Some wouldn't agree.
For "them" the rules are simple,
As easy as can be.
Isn't life confusing?
I wish 'they' would write a book,
So I would know how I should talk
And how I'm sposta look!
Isn't life confusing?
Correct me if I'm wrong.
But these rules seem easy only,
To those who play along.
Isn't life confusing?
When you beak a rule or two?
Suddenly you need instructions,
For everything you do!
Isn't life confusing?
Since they always change the rules?
Keeping up with all of this,
Should be taught to us in schools!
Isn't life confusing?
When you stop and simply ponder?
Why people always do all this-
Don't they ever wonder?
Isn't life confusing?
When you can't just be YOU?
Rather you are always told
What you should say and do.
Isn't life confusing?
When you follow with the crowd?
"I'm my own individual!"
Let's shout it really loud!
Isn't life confusing?
It is- if you let it be.
But wouldn't you rather say?
"No thanks I'll just be me!"
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Top Ten Observations and Ramblings From My Vacation
I had a few ideas for blog posts about my vacation, and if I would have been here longer, I would have developed each one into it's own post. As this is the last night of my vacation, I will condense all of these thoughts into one post.
(Note: I started writing this last night in Niagara Falls, but fell asleep in the middle and continued today when I got home.)
1) Niagara Falls is an interesting contrast:
I can't help but marvel at the commercialization of Niagara Falls. I mean, as I posted yesterday about the awesome NATURAL beauty of Niagara Falls. So, take a natural wonder, a gift to mankind from G-d, and what do we do? Of course! We milk it for all it's worth. Let's approach it from every direction. The first approach is from in the water, on the Maid of the Mist boat ride. Then, you can view Niagara Falls from above, in one of two towers or a giant Ferris wheel. You can walk right up to it, in the cave of the winds, and you can walk behind it, in the journey behind the falls. There are also helicopter rides, for the rich and daring. And that's only the attractions that center around the actual falls. I guess the IMAX can be considered a falls-related attraction too, if you stretch it.
I would think that is quite enough, but apparently, others thought differently. Some enterprising people must have said "hey, these falls attract millions of visitors each year, let me build up a tourist attraction around it!" So they did. Just one block away from the beauty and splendor of Niagara Falls, one of the world's most amazing natural wonders, we see Clifton Hill, one of the world's most commercialized streets. One would think that three wax museums and four haunted houses would be enough for one street, but apparently, people thought otherwise. I can't imagine the pull of a place that advertises itself as "the most frightening experience in Niagara" but then again, I don't understand the pull of a roller coaster turning a person upside down three times in a row either, so perhaps it's just me. Then I guess someone else said "hey! A major tourist attraction with no amusement park?" A quick snap of the fingers, and you have Marineland Amusement Park, where you can get splashed by killer whales multiple times per day. The number of lights in the town of Niagara Falls, just in the Clifton Hill area, is probably greater than the number of lights in the entire continent of Africa.
Something doesn't add up there, huh?
2) Its true what they say:
There's an old joke: "the town I grew up in was so small we only had one McDonalds, one Burger King, and three Starbucks." I don't think there is any better illustration of this than here. There is a Starbucks at the top and bottom of Clifton Hill. I don't know why that amazes me so much, but it really does.
3) I've written posts about signs of the times before, but this one just struck me. When I was little, and we'd vacation, nobody knew what wireless Internet is. Today, every hotel has wifi, it's almost unnecessary to advertise it. On the other hand, when I was a kid, the hotel rooms came with a free pad and pen, which we didn't get this time. Has wifi taken the place of pen and paper? Is this the next step in the total eradication of paper and the printed word?
4) I watched an IMAX about the topic, as well as a show in Ripley's, but I still can't get into the mindset of a person who would stuff themselves into a barrel and go over the falls. I mean, seriously, imagine the "goodbye dear" you would have to give your spouse on your way out of the house that morning?
5) As I wrote yesterday, looking at Niagara Falls is like looking at the signature G-d put onto his masterpiece: our world. Someone I know, who has a lot of doubts about G-d told me, upon hearing of my upcoming trip to Niagara Falls, "That place is what makes me believe there is a G-d in this world."
That's why I find it so utterly astonishing that people seem so determined to believe that it was created by ANYTHING but a Master Artist. The Niagara Falls IMAX starts out with an enormously long introduction to the creation of the falls. I don't know if they even mentioned a possibility of a G-d or not, because we were waiting outside, as one of my travel mates, who'd seen the show before, said it was pure apikorsus. And then there is the "Niagara's Fury," which we didn't go on (yet), but it also discussed the creation of Niagara Falls. They also tell you about the shifting rocks and currents, all of which happened millions of years ago. And they say it with such certainty that you would think that they were there to watch it. It seems to me that it's simply a way of covering their eyes and saying "I can't see You, I can't see You!" You CAN see Him buddies, sorry. You are just pretending.
(If you are interested in the reconciliation of scientific facts and the Torah's teachings, there is an incredible bunch of shiurim on aishaudio.com by Mr Harold Gans. I really recommend them.)
6) Be careful when you are listening to your music on shuffle:
I was really thrilled that the car we drove up to Niagara Falls had an auxiliary audio jack, so we were able to listen to anything and everything I had on my iPod. In short, we spent so much time flipping through the various albums to this song and that song that we never actually managed to listen to an entire album. In fact, I'd say it was impressive if we even listened to an entire song. So, as time went by and we became more and more bored of the music we had, we started to listen on shuffle. It was interesting, as it brought up some interesting songs that I'd never choose willingly.
Picture this scene; a bunch of females loading their bunch of luggage into the car. It's a job that requires someone with the skill of a master architect. So as we fiddled and pushed, we turned on the car for some music. (Don't call the shadchan yet! It wasn't very loud, just audible as you passed by our car.) So the song ends, and we listen for the next song in the shuffle. I hadn't realized this was still on my iPod, but Cholent, by Country Yossi came on. So it's playing, and I hear the words "drop it on the Arabs they'll be gone in a day!" and decide to shut it off, as we are in public. I go towards the drivers seat to skip the song, and I see a group of people passing our car. Yep! You guessed it. It was a group of angry-faced Arabs.
7) I don't get the psychology behind souvenirs:
So here is the deal- we are going to take some random junk, pretty similar to that which you just tossed while you were cleaning for pesach, print "Niagara Falls", "Maid of the Mist", or some similar name on it, and suddenly we are charging four times what the item is worth, for something you don't want or need in the first place. What am I missing here?
8) Carry a mini bottle of Lysol spray when you go on vacation:
I am by no means an expert vacationer. My life is fairly boring, as these things go. But there is one thing I know, and that is, that a four day trip means four days of public restrooms, or washrooms as they say back in Canada. I'm not a germ freak, but I am the I-don't-use-public-restrooms type of person. All I can say is thank heavens for the little purse-sized bottle of Lysol spray I picked up before I left.
9) Praise for Goldy:
I want to tell you about one quirk of Goldy's. When I drive with her, I notice that she shaves a minute off the estimated arrival time every so often. But for some odd reason, when it was someone else's turn to drive she put that minute back on! Weird, huh?
Now a compliment for Goldy. She told us to take the ramp on the right, at exit 18. Problem is, exit 18 was closed. Situations like these throw mapquest-printout-clutching drivers into a state of panic. Now what???? But not Goldy. She remained cool and collected, helped us off the next exit and back around to an alternate route.
10) When a bunch of females go on vacation, male receptionists are a pleasure to deal with:
The female who worked the morning shift at the front desk of our hotel was sweet. She was friendly and helpful, and didn't give us any problems. But the guy who worked the late afternoon shift was just awesome. I'm guessing the job is pretty tedious, and that a number of females parading up to the desk with questions or requests, it brightens things up for him. I mean, seriously. He let us into the employee only picnic area, then opened up some employee only doors for us, and gave us some employee only information. Poor guy didn't realize that we are highly aidel girls and his efforts for attention were completely in vain. (Well, not completely. He did get mentioned in a blog post.)
(Note: I started writing this last night in Niagara Falls, but fell asleep in the middle and continued today when I got home.)
1) Niagara Falls is an interesting contrast:
I can't help but marvel at the commercialization of Niagara Falls. I mean, as I posted yesterday about the awesome NATURAL beauty of Niagara Falls. So, take a natural wonder, a gift to mankind from G-d, and what do we do? Of course! We milk it for all it's worth. Let's approach it from every direction. The first approach is from in the water, on the Maid of the Mist boat ride. Then, you can view Niagara Falls from above, in one of two towers or a giant Ferris wheel. You can walk right up to it, in the cave of the winds, and you can walk behind it, in the journey behind the falls. There are also helicopter rides, for the rich and daring. And that's only the attractions that center around the actual falls. I guess the IMAX can be considered a falls-related attraction too, if you stretch it.
I would think that is quite enough, but apparently, others thought differently. Some enterprising people must have said "hey, these falls attract millions of visitors each year, let me build up a tourist attraction around it!" So they did. Just one block away from the beauty and splendor of Niagara Falls, one of the world's most amazing natural wonders, we see Clifton Hill, one of the world's most commercialized streets. One would think that three wax museums and four haunted houses would be enough for one street, but apparently, people thought otherwise. I can't imagine the pull of a place that advertises itself as "the most frightening experience in Niagara" but then again, I don't understand the pull of a roller coaster turning a person upside down three times in a row either, so perhaps it's just me. Then I guess someone else said "hey! A major tourist attraction with no amusement park?" A quick snap of the fingers, and you have Marineland Amusement Park, where you can get splashed by killer whales multiple times per day. The number of lights in the town of Niagara Falls, just in the Clifton Hill area, is probably greater than the number of lights in the entire continent of Africa.
Something doesn't add up there, huh?
2) Its true what they say:
There's an old joke: "the town I grew up in was so small we only had one McDonalds, one Burger King, and three Starbucks." I don't think there is any better illustration of this than here. There is a Starbucks at the top and bottom of Clifton Hill. I don't know why that amazes me so much, but it really does.
3) I've written posts about signs of the times before, but this one just struck me. When I was little, and we'd vacation, nobody knew what wireless Internet is. Today, every hotel has wifi, it's almost unnecessary to advertise it. On the other hand, when I was a kid, the hotel rooms came with a free pad and pen, which we didn't get this time. Has wifi taken the place of pen and paper? Is this the next step in the total eradication of paper and the printed word?
4) I watched an IMAX about the topic, as well as a show in Ripley's, but I still can't get into the mindset of a person who would stuff themselves into a barrel and go over the falls. I mean, seriously, imagine the "goodbye dear" you would have to give your spouse on your way out of the house that morning?
5) As I wrote yesterday, looking at Niagara Falls is like looking at the signature G-d put onto his masterpiece: our world. Someone I know, who has a lot of doubts about G-d told me, upon hearing of my upcoming trip to Niagara Falls, "That place is what makes me believe there is a G-d in this world."
That's why I find it so utterly astonishing that people seem so determined to believe that it was created by ANYTHING but a Master Artist. The Niagara Falls IMAX starts out with an enormously long introduction to the creation of the falls. I don't know if they even mentioned a possibility of a G-d or not, because we were waiting outside, as one of my travel mates, who'd seen the show before, said it was pure apikorsus. And then there is the "Niagara's Fury," which we didn't go on (yet), but it also discussed the creation of Niagara Falls. They also tell you about the shifting rocks and currents, all of which happened millions of years ago. And they say it with such certainty that you would think that they were there to watch it. It seems to me that it's simply a way of covering their eyes and saying "I can't see You, I can't see You!" You CAN see Him buddies, sorry. You are just pretending.
(If you are interested in the reconciliation of scientific facts and the Torah's teachings, there is an incredible bunch of shiurim on aishaudio.com by Mr Harold Gans. I really recommend them.)
6) Be careful when you are listening to your music on shuffle:
I was really thrilled that the car we drove up to Niagara Falls had an auxiliary audio jack, so we were able to listen to anything and everything I had on my iPod. In short, we spent so much time flipping through the various albums to this song and that song that we never actually managed to listen to an entire album. In fact, I'd say it was impressive if we even listened to an entire song. So, as time went by and we became more and more bored of the music we had, we started to listen on shuffle. It was interesting, as it brought up some interesting songs that I'd never choose willingly.
Picture this scene; a bunch of females loading their bunch of luggage into the car. It's a job that requires someone with the skill of a master architect. So as we fiddled and pushed, we turned on the car for some music. (Don't call the shadchan yet! It wasn't very loud, just audible as you passed by our car.) So the song ends, and we listen for the next song in the shuffle. I hadn't realized this was still on my iPod, but Cholent, by Country Yossi came on. So it's playing, and I hear the words "drop it on the Arabs they'll be gone in a day!" and decide to shut it off, as we are in public. I go towards the drivers seat to skip the song, and I see a group of people passing our car. Yep! You guessed it. It was a group of angry-faced Arabs.
7) I don't get the psychology behind souvenirs:
So here is the deal- we are going to take some random junk, pretty similar to that which you just tossed while you were cleaning for pesach, print "Niagara Falls", "Maid of the Mist", or some similar name on it, and suddenly we are charging four times what the item is worth, for something you don't want or need in the first place. What am I missing here?
8) Carry a mini bottle of Lysol spray when you go on vacation:
I am by no means an expert vacationer. My life is fairly boring, as these things go. But there is one thing I know, and that is, that a four day trip means four days of public restrooms, or washrooms as they say back in Canada. I'm not a germ freak, but I am the I-don't-use-public-restrooms type of person. All I can say is thank heavens for the little purse-sized bottle of Lysol spray I picked up before I left.
9) Praise for Goldy:
I want to tell you about one quirk of Goldy's. When I drive with her, I notice that she shaves a minute off the estimated arrival time every so often. But for some odd reason, when it was someone else's turn to drive she put that minute back on! Weird, huh?
Now a compliment for Goldy. She told us to take the ramp on the right, at exit 18. Problem is, exit 18 was closed. Situations like these throw mapquest-printout-clutching drivers into a state of panic. Now what???? But not Goldy. She remained cool and collected, helped us off the next exit and back around to an alternate route.
10) When a bunch of females go on vacation, male receptionists are a pleasure to deal with:
The female who worked the morning shift at the front desk of our hotel was sweet. She was friendly and helpful, and didn't give us any problems. But the guy who worked the late afternoon shift was just awesome. I'm guessing the job is pretty tedious, and that a number of females parading up to the desk with questions or requests, it brightens things up for him. I mean, seriously. He let us into the employee only picnic area, then opened up some employee only doors for us, and gave us some employee only information. Poor guy didn't realize that we are highly aidel girls and his efforts for attention were completely in vain. (Well, not completely. He did get mentioned in a blog post.)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Why We DO Go On Vacation: My Lesson of The Day
A number of weeks ago I attended a shiur on tefillah. The speaker was discussing the concept of praising G-d. She was saying that pesukei dezimrah, for example, are a challenge to many people. I mean, yes, G-d is great, He is awesome, and He does wondrous things, but why does He need me to tell him that? And why am I repeating myself over and over?
Among the many answers, she gave the following reason. G-d most definitely does not need us to praise Him. It's for us. Every time we praise G-d, the totality of His power and His strength hits us all over again.
G-d created the world, He is awesome.
G-d took the Jews out of Egypt, He is invincible.
G-d maintains this world every day, He is powerful.
With each statement of the wonders G-d has done, and continues to do, our faith and hope should grow. Surely, if G-d can do all these incredible things that I am praising Him for, He can also solve my problems.
Perhaps it's the visual side of me, but that thought never really kicked in until today. I walked up to the observation area directly in front of the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, and took the scene in. The majestic formation of the rocks, the water cascading down with extreme force, it was so perfect, so masterful, I suddenly felt close to my Creator. He made a natural spectacle that is unlike anything any painter could ever attempt to imagine, much less create, even in a two-dimensional painting. I looked further upstream, at the unbelievable view of the water hitting the rocks, and then falling in a manner which was nothing short of breathtaking, and I felt it even more. G-d has created the most unbelievable world. If He could create something with as much beauty and splendor as Niagara Falls, surely sending my small, personal yeshuah is not a big deal.
And so, as I walked away from the falls, I felt them pulling me back. They were beckoning me to come closer, to take another look, to burn this unforgettable sight into my memory. Whenever things get tough, and I start to wonder when and how I will see salvation, I will close my eyes and picture the majesty that is Niagara Falls. And I will remember that there is a creator who is capable of anything.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Why Do People Go On Vacation?
Ever wonder why we go on vacation?
Maybe we like the drive? I mean, at first it was nice. We commented on the beautiful trees, mountains, water on clouds. We got an easy mitzvah saying "Ma Rabu Ma'asecha Hashem." But at a certain point, the trees start to blend together into a mush, the water starts looking murky, and the clouds burst and release a torrential downpour onto the very road which you are driving on. So you think to yourself, "it can't be the drive. That's just a means to the destination."
Many long hours of traveling finally brings you to your (rather nice) hotel. Perhaps this is the reason I am on vacation, to relax in a comfortable hotel room. So we unload the car, shlep the luggage up through the elevator into our room, and start to fight. When I was younger, and I was traveling with my family, the entrance into our hotel room would be like this: mad dash into the room. Everyone scrambles for something. One of us grabs the mini soaps and shampoos, another grabs the pad and pen imprinted with the hotel name, and the rest pout all night because they weren't quick enough to get any freebies. Thankfully, we have grown past those days. Tonight, we made a mad dash into our hotel room and staked out the better beds. Being a real talmid of Aharon Hakohen, I took the pull out sofa, which is probably part of the reason I am sitting on this chair at the computer instead of sleeping in a comfortable queen bed. Either way, I don't think the hotel is the reason I am on vacation.
For starters, there is the mess. I can't handle when things are disorganized. I like things to be in their place. I like things to be exactly where I put them, and where I find them when I need them. Looking around the room, at the suitcases strewn about the floor, the food packages strewn about, the myriad wires for every one's cell phone chargers, iPods, laptops, and cameras, the cooler lying in a distinctly hazardous manner across the entrance to out "suite", the towels all over the bathroom floor, and the half empty water bottles everywhere, I have come to the conclusion that it's a GOOD thing I am sitting facing the wall.
Then, there is the noise. I have had my own bedroom for as long as I can remember, and really don't like roommates. I am sitting here listening to one of the others snoring, and I am realizing that the only way I will sleep a wink tonight will be what I call the "seminary system." I haven't employed this method since my seminary days, but I will be sleeping with headphones blaring some slow music, such as Shwekey Behisorerus, or perhaps Project Relax.
And while the others might be feeling very vacationed in their queen beds, I don't see how this pull out couch with a mattress the Israelis would be jealous of is supposed to make me feel more relaxed.
I guess it's like the story of the guy who went complaining to his Rabbi that his house was too small. After first taking in, then removing, all of the animals on the farm, his house was much bigger. I think that by the time I get home, I will appreciate it so much more.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Men are From Where?
I had a very enlightening discussion with my family this past Friday night.
First, let's set the stage: there were four of us at the meal, not including my parents. MP, myself, LT (little tzadik'l, who is anything but little), and LMM. My father was engrossed in a Sefer or something, which, conversationally left LT the only male at the table.
He was telling us women a story that happened the previous summer in camp. Basically, without going into too many of the boring details, some guy in camp made up a nickname for one of the janitors. Not that it was a brilliant nickname, but this boy decided to confide in another janitor, and tell him that the guys were calling the first janitor "it". It turned out to be a bad move, as janitor number two goes and tells "it" about his nickname. When "it" found out, he went and hunted the little bucher'l down, and beat him up.
That was basically the end of the story, and by the time he had reached it, LT was in stitches. He could barely choke the words out, amidst hysterical laughter. He looked over at us, his very own sisters, and his very own mother in shock. Why weren't we laughing? This was probably, to guys, the single funniest event of their summer.
Then, the conversation went on, and suddenly, LT was discussing swirlies. For the females reading this, who are reacting as we did, ("huh?") a swirlie is when you stick another guy's head in the toilet bowl and flush.
If your reaction is one of horror, please know you are in very esteemed company. MP was completely horrified at the thought of this. Personally, I was chocking over my Diet Dr Pepper, and couldn't stop laughing long enough to formulate an opinion on the matter.
So the conversation went on, and we all had lots of questions. Had LT ever been swirlied? And had he swirlied any other guys? How does it work?
It was in complete wonderment that the females at that table listened as LT promised that he'd never been swirlied, and that he had only given another guy swirlies once, and that there is a particular toilet in his yeshivah dorm that is especially suitable for swirlies. When we had finally managed to close our mouths, my mother commented. "Its times like this that I wonder why we don't say shelo asani ish."
Then LMM, my lil sis, turned to MP and myself, with horror written on her face, saying "and you two want to MARRY one of those?"
MP was busy wondering what people think of LT when he does things like that, and I started to plan my blog post. ;-)
Men and women are completely opposite. Men don't find the same things funny as us women do. Women don't consider stuffing their friend's head into a toilet bowl an appropriate display of friendship. Men don't see why a woman would need five pairs or shoes, crocs, Chinese slipper, and 'regular' slippers an appropriate way to pack for a week long trip. On the other hand, women don't understand the logistics of eating a lethal combination of beans and barley at ungodly hours. And men don't get why a woman would care about things like 'mauve' and 'Burgundy' and 'lavender'.
But then as one person put it, so succinctly, "Men are from earth, women are from earth. Get over it." While we are total opposites, we have to date, with the goal of living harmoniously for the rest of our lives. Isn't that hard? Honestly, I'm not in the position to speak about this topic, as firsthand dating experience is not something I have mug of. But how does a man and a woman even find topics of common interest? Men don't want to hear about your shopping excursions, and women don't want to hear about their run-ins with janitors, especially not those that ended with blood and a cast.
What is there then? How do people do it?
First, let's set the stage: there were four of us at the meal, not including my parents. MP, myself, LT (little tzadik'l, who is anything but little), and LMM. My father was engrossed in a Sefer or something, which, conversationally left LT the only male at the table.
He was telling us women a story that happened the previous summer in camp. Basically, without going into too many of the boring details, some guy in camp made up a nickname for one of the janitors. Not that it was a brilliant nickname, but this boy decided to confide in another janitor, and tell him that the guys were calling the first janitor "it". It turned out to be a bad move, as janitor number two goes and tells "it" about his nickname. When "it" found out, he went and hunted the little bucher'l down, and beat him up.
That was basically the end of the story, and by the time he had reached it, LT was in stitches. He could barely choke the words out, amidst hysterical laughter. He looked over at us, his very own sisters, and his very own mother in shock. Why weren't we laughing? This was probably, to guys, the single funniest event of their summer.
Then, the conversation went on, and suddenly, LT was discussing swirlies. For the females reading this, who are reacting as we did, ("huh?") a swirlie is when you stick another guy's head in the toilet bowl and flush.
If your reaction is one of horror, please know you are in very esteemed company. MP was completely horrified at the thought of this. Personally, I was chocking over my Diet Dr Pepper, and couldn't stop laughing long enough to formulate an opinion on the matter.
So the conversation went on, and we all had lots of questions. Had LT ever been swirlied? And had he swirlied any other guys? How does it work?
It was in complete wonderment that the females at that table listened as LT promised that he'd never been swirlied, and that he had only given another guy swirlies once, and that there is a particular toilet in his yeshivah dorm that is especially suitable for swirlies. When we had finally managed to close our mouths, my mother commented. "Its times like this that I wonder why we don't say shelo asani ish."
Then LMM, my lil sis, turned to MP and myself, with horror written on her face, saying "and you two want to MARRY one of those?"
MP was busy wondering what people think of LT when he does things like that, and I started to plan my blog post. ;-)
Men and women are completely opposite. Men don't find the same things funny as us women do. Women don't consider stuffing their friend's head into a toilet bowl an appropriate display of friendship. Men don't see why a woman would need five pairs or shoes, crocs, Chinese slipper, and 'regular' slippers an appropriate way to pack for a week long trip. On the other hand, women don't understand the logistics of eating a lethal combination of beans and barley at ungodly hours. And men don't get why a woman would care about things like 'mauve' and 'Burgundy' and 'lavender'.
But then as one person put it, so succinctly, "Men are from earth, women are from earth. Get over it." While we are total opposites, we have to date, with the goal of living harmoniously for the rest of our lives. Isn't that hard? Honestly, I'm not in the position to speak about this topic, as firsthand dating experience is not something I have mug of. But how does a man and a woman even find topics of common interest? Men don't want to hear about your shopping excursions, and women don't want to hear about their run-ins with janitors, especially not those that ended with blood and a cast.
What is there then? How do people do it?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Why I Hate Summer
I just remembered why I hate summer. I knew I didn't like it, but the reason why was totally evasive. For the life of mine, I could not remember. And so, all winter long, I waited with dread for the summer months to arrive and flaunt their hate-able glory.
First, I thought it was the temperature. I am not one of those people that enjoy the hot weather. I don't find sitting on a hot beach, baking in the hot sun, wiping sweat rivers off of my face to be a relaxing way to spend my time. In fact, if I was forced to chose, I would prefer to sleep in a room that is 60 degrees than a room that is 80 degrees. But as I retreat into my air conditioned home, and prepare to become a recluse for the next three months, I realize that heat alone can not be the reason behind my utter hatred of the summer months.
Then, as I stare in consternation at the rip all down the front of my brand new tights, I think this might be the reason behind my abhorrence of the summer months. But deep down I know that isn't the reason either.
Then, as I stare at this itchy, red bump on my forearm, the reason starts coming back to me. But it's not until I hear my little sister running out of the bathroom screaming hysterically about something in the shower, that I remember...
Gosh, I hate them bugs. From the tiniest little mosquito, that flies inconspicuously around, sucking my blood like its life depends on it, to the enormous flying spiders that seem to love our upstairs shower, bugs just creep me out.
Now, without going into the sordid details, I'll simply tell you that I have a lot more reason to be afraid of bugs than most other people. ;-) So as I listen to massive bees buzz around my head, I feel a little guilty. I mean, G-d made the summer, and I should be happy for it. I should love the heat, I should love the bugs. I guess I need to work on myself, but it's hard to work on myself with these bugs flying around my head and these itchy spots all over my skin.
First, I thought it was the temperature. I am not one of those people that enjoy the hot weather. I don't find sitting on a hot beach, baking in the hot sun, wiping sweat rivers off of my face to be a relaxing way to spend my time. In fact, if I was forced to chose, I would prefer to sleep in a room that is 60 degrees than a room that is 80 degrees. But as I retreat into my air conditioned home, and prepare to become a recluse for the next three months, I realize that heat alone can not be the reason behind my utter hatred of the summer months.
Then, as I stare in consternation at the rip all down the front of my brand new tights, I think this might be the reason behind my abhorrence of the summer months. But deep down I know that isn't the reason either.
Then, as I stare at this itchy, red bump on my forearm, the reason starts coming back to me. But it's not until I hear my little sister running out of the bathroom screaming hysterically about something in the shower, that I remember...
Gosh, I hate them bugs. From the tiniest little mosquito, that flies inconspicuously around, sucking my blood like its life depends on it, to the enormous flying spiders that seem to love our upstairs shower, bugs just creep me out.
Now, without going into the sordid details, I'll simply tell you that I have a lot more reason to be afraid of bugs than most other people. ;-) So as I listen to massive bees buzz around my head, I feel a little guilty. I mean, G-d made the summer, and I should be happy for it. I should love the heat, I should love the bugs. I guess I need to work on myself, but it's hard to work on myself with these bugs flying around my head and these itchy spots all over my skin.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Bailing Out The Stimulus Packages
Everyone knows that advertising has to be clever, memorable, and of course original. Sometimes I see advertisements that make me scratch my head and wonder why that company's advertising director isn't out looking for a job. And sometimes I see ads that make me smile and say "whatever they are paying this guy it can't be enough." Obviously, a business owner aspires to have ads of the latter variety.
An important factor in advertising: it's gotta strike an appropriate balance between the three factors I mentioned above. I mean, there is this beer ad that my family and I saw on the Superbowl YEARS ago, and it was funny, so I remember it, but in truth, it wasn't original, so to this day none of us remember which beer company the ad was for. Similarly, there was a soft drink ad in which the salesman scorned his own drink, and chose the competition. While the ad was done in a funny way, it was a real waste of time, because I have no idea if he was selling coke and chose Pepsi, or vice versa. In essence, all that ad did was highlight the enormous similarities between coke and Pepsi. If you ask me (don't), that's an advertising failure.
If someone says "But I do have good news," it's almost unnecessary to say "I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico." As annoying as some of their ads may be, it is obviously a very effective strategy, because people have learned to associate good news with Geico. It's a similar story with US window factory. If someone says "we told you so!" an an annoying enough tone of voice, you automatically think of US Window Factory. So whether the ad is enjoyable or not, they have succeeded (isn't getting mentioned on BOSD the height of success?).
Why then, one might ask, do companies still think of themselves as super clever when they re-use the same stale advertising strategy that graces at least five different ads in the Mishpacha Magazine each week:
The Economic Stimulus Package.
Seriously, when will these companies realize that they are no longer clever or memorable? And when will these companies realize that they are about six months and many companies too late to be anywhere in the same zip code as original?
Whether they are throwing a free tie in as a stimulus package for customers who purchase hats, or they sell a pre-cut wig at a reduced, or stimulus rate, or even if they sell a box of red, white and blue ices for cheaper, it's enough stimulation! The jokes about bailing out the bagel shop and providing stimulus packages of tomato dip are so old, so dead, it's laughable.
Seriously, enough! I don't even WANT to be bailed out!
An important factor in advertising: it's gotta strike an appropriate balance between the three factors I mentioned above. I mean, there is this beer ad that my family and I saw on the Superbowl YEARS ago, and it was funny, so I remember it, but in truth, it wasn't original, so to this day none of us remember which beer company the ad was for. Similarly, there was a soft drink ad in which the salesman scorned his own drink, and chose the competition. While the ad was done in a funny way, it was a real waste of time, because I have no idea if he was selling coke and chose Pepsi, or vice versa. In essence, all that ad did was highlight the enormous similarities between coke and Pepsi. If you ask me (don't), that's an advertising failure.
If someone says "But I do have good news," it's almost unnecessary to say "I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico." As annoying as some of their ads may be, it is obviously a very effective strategy, because people have learned to associate good news with Geico. It's a similar story with US window factory. If someone says "we told you so!" an an annoying enough tone of voice, you automatically think of US Window Factory. So whether the ad is enjoyable or not, they have succeeded (isn't getting mentioned on BOSD the height of success?).
Why then, one might ask, do companies still think of themselves as super clever when they re-use the same stale advertising strategy that graces at least five different ads in the Mishpacha Magazine each week:
The Economic Stimulus Package.
Seriously, when will these companies realize that they are no longer clever or memorable? And when will these companies realize that they are about six months and many companies too late to be anywhere in the same zip code as original?
Whether they are throwing a free tie in as a stimulus package for customers who purchase hats, or they sell a pre-cut wig at a reduced, or stimulus rate, or even if they sell a box of red, white and blue ices for cheaper, it's enough stimulation! The jokes about bailing out the bagel shop and providing stimulus packages of tomato dip are so old, so dead, it's laughable.
Seriously, enough! I don't even WANT to be bailed out!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Brido-Sapien: The Aftermath
Sometimes, I'm scared to get married. It stands to reason that I'm scared of getting engaged. I've discussed the scary things that happen to a kallah in enough detail already. (ie: the way her brain decomposes, and gets replaced with a tape recorder that plays a continuous "my chosson" narrative.)
But I always thought that the wedding solves that. Being the brilliant strategist that I am, I thought of a plan, even though I am nowhere close to having that problem. (In trying-to-impress-people-with-my-knowledge-ese it's called the refuah lifnei hamakah.)
I'm going to have a short engagement.
Simple, but effective. While I realize that the shorter the engagement, the greater chances I have of becoming a bride-zilla, I don't care. I'd rather have a greater level of suffering and get it over with. (Plus I think I'll be too out of it to care. I pity those around me though.)
But lately, I have been noticing a terrifying phenomenon, one that even a brilliant planner like me has not been able to find a solution to. Simply put, after the wedding, some of my friends don't go back from the 'brido-sapien' to the good ol' homo-sapien that they were before some individual of the male species came along and fried their brain.
It gets worse though. Let me give you an example.
Remember the friend of mine who's normalcy (in my sense, not in the MOTS sense) inspired the post about living your life for the sake of shidduchim? Well, she was a seriously normal kallah, as they come. I mean, sure she talked about her chosson all the time, but at least it was in a human sense, not in a my-chosson-is-the-most-unbelievable-guy-oh-my-gosh-I'm-flipping-out-and-did-you-know-I'm-getting-married-and-look-at-the-ring-my-chosson-gave-me-isn't-it-stunning-and-do-you-wanna-see-pictures-of-my-chosson kind of way.
Best of the evils, I think to myself. Inside, I'm plotting to be a little like her. A 'brido-sapien', but a managable one.
But then...it's not too long after her wedding, and I got a text from her, the newly married gal, and freaked out. Did her phone malfunction? Is her husband, who is equally lovestruck texting for her? I wanted to write something along the lines of "who are you and what have you done to my friend?"
Basically, this is what it said:
":-) hi SD!!!!! :-) I'm thinking of u too! :-) ur so lucky ur there!! :-)"
(This in response to "I'm sitting in [insert name of mutual favorite restaurant] and thinking of you.")
After I blinked, pinched myself, and executed all other steps in proving that it was, in fact, a real text, really written by this friend, I answered, "well u could come join us here too. I'm sure ur husband wouldn't mind". Her response?
":-) haha ur so funny! :-) whats up? :-) how's life? :-)"
I was encouraged by the fact that she had the presence of mind to ask a question, but also scared because that first one obviously wasn't a fluke. So we continued in this vein, meaning, I continued hearing about the awesomeness of married life, laced with liberal quantities of :-)'s, in 160 character tidbits until her husband needed her...or something like that.
But that encounter has left me traumatized. Is that the norm for a girl who's been married about 2 and a half weeks? Is the brain-decomposition something that must take place,whether during the engagement or after? Can someone get the drug companies to work on a pill for this? How can we get our friends back?
Am I the only one who is scared of all this?
But I always thought that the wedding solves that. Being the brilliant strategist that I am, I thought of a plan, even though I am nowhere close to having that problem. (In trying-to-impress-people-with-my-knowledge-ese it's called the refuah lifnei hamakah.)
I'm going to have a short engagement.
Simple, but effective. While I realize that the shorter the engagement, the greater chances I have of becoming a bride-zilla, I don't care. I'd rather have a greater level of suffering and get it over with. (Plus I think I'll be too out of it to care. I pity those around me though.)
But lately, I have been noticing a terrifying phenomenon, one that even a brilliant planner like me has not been able to find a solution to. Simply put, after the wedding, some of my friends don't go back from the 'brido-sapien' to the good ol' homo-sapien that they were before some individual of the male species came along and fried their brain.
It gets worse though. Let me give you an example.
Remember the friend of mine who's normalcy (in my sense, not in the MOTS sense) inspired the post about living your life for the sake of shidduchim? Well, she was a seriously normal kallah, as they come. I mean, sure she talked about her chosson all the time, but at least it was in a human sense, not in a my-chosson-is-the-most-unbelievable-guy-oh-my-gosh-I'm-flipping-out-and-did-you-know-I'm-getting-married-and-look-at-the-ring-my-chosson-gave-me-isn't-it-stunning-and-do-you-wanna-see-pictures-of-my-chosson kind of way.
Best of the evils, I think to myself. Inside, I'm plotting to be a little like her. A 'brido-sapien', but a managable one.
But then...it's not too long after her wedding, and I got a text from her, the newly married gal, and freaked out. Did her phone malfunction? Is her husband, who is equally lovestruck texting for her? I wanted to write something along the lines of "who are you and what have you done to my friend?"
Basically, this is what it said:
":-) hi SD!!!!! :-) I'm thinking of u too! :-) ur so lucky ur there!! :-)"
(This in response to "I'm sitting in [insert name of mutual favorite restaurant] and thinking of you.")
After I blinked, pinched myself, and executed all other steps in proving that it was, in fact, a real text, really written by this friend, I answered, "well u could come join us here too. I'm sure ur husband wouldn't mind". Her response?
":-) haha ur so funny! :-) whats up? :-) how's life? :-)"
I was encouraged by the fact that she had the presence of mind to ask a question, but also scared because that first one obviously wasn't a fluke. So we continued in this vein, meaning, I continued hearing about the awesomeness of married life, laced with liberal quantities of :-)'s, in 160 character tidbits until her husband needed her...or something like that.
But that encounter has left me traumatized. Is that the norm for a girl who's been married about 2 and a half weeks? Is the brain-decomposition something that must take place,whether during the engagement or after? Can someone get the drug companies to work on a pill for this? How can we get our friends back?
Am I the only one who is scared of all this?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
That Was Easy!
Today I was standing in a dressing room in a non-jewish store. I was trying to help my friend make up her mind between two skirts, when I heard an obviously non-Jewish woman ask my opinion on a skirt she was wearing. Now, as I've mentioned before, my mode of dress is as conservative as they come, so I had a hard time telling her that I liked the purple and white polka dotted skirt she had on.
I found something nice to say about it, and returned my attention to my friend's dilemma: two pleats or four? Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that the general consensus in the dressing room was that the purple skirt just didn't do the trick.
The lady was obviously distressed. "It's such a shame. I have such a hard time finding nice skirts these days." My ears perked up. Why skirts? I didn't have to ask, the answer was forthcoming.
"I only wear long skirts you know." I wasn't sure who that was directed at, but I knew I could help. A lighted sign went on in my brain that said "Easy Mitzvah!" I grabbed it.
"Would you like me to tell you where you can find some nice long skirts?" She looked at me in surprise. "Oh, would you please?" So I told her to look in Orthodox Jewish stores. I discovered that she doesn't live too far from my house, and then gave her the name of two Frum stores in my neighborhood, both of which sell lots of skirts. She wrote them down, complete with directions how to get there, her smile increasing by the minute. When we were finished, she looked at me. "I can't believe how nice you are. Thanks so much for taking the time to help me." And so, as my friend headed to the front of the store to pay for both skirts, the lady continued. "I feel like I want to give you a huge hug right now."
The scene was surreal. This strange woman was giving me a hug in the dressing room of some store someplace in New Jersey.
I was thrilled though. Sometimes you think you made someone happy with orthodox Jews, sometimes you know you did. After explaining clearly that I am an orthodox Jew, and she needs to shop in our stores, I can proudly say: today, I know I made someone happy to have met an orthodox Jew.
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