A friend of mine is a little...different. I mean, I'd definitely say she is another little blob of something other than the fluff that the other girls are made of. We are the ones who dress up together on Purim, or even on regular days. (Shhhh! Don't tell the shadchanim!) We are the ones who aren't scared to step out of the line, the ones who aren't scared to be slightly 'unusual' to most tastes. We are the ones the the MOTS girls look at with a mixture of amusement and horror.
Well anyway, she's engaged. We had this discussion the other day. I believe it took place as she was singing out loud, along with the wedding music. "You know," I said, "it's a good thing you are engaged. Some people might think you are being weird." She wholeheartedly agreed with me. "I must be an inspiration to all the weird girls out there. If I got engaged, they can too."
I was wondering about this...
I can't grasp the concept of people living their lives around shidduchim. I mean, obviously, there is a lot of talk about this. But to what extent do people really allow their fear of stigmas in shidduchim to actually control their lives? Is it all just talk, or do people really suppress their true selves for the sake of getting dates with guys who wouldn't date their true selves? Am I the only one that sees this as being pretty twisted?
If you suppress who you are, and only then will the guy go out with you, what have you accomplished? Will you go on suppressing your true self for the rest of your life? Or maybe the guy was only acting the way he was acting because girls wouldn't date him otherwise?
Wouldn't it be better if we'd all just act how we want to act, do what we want to do, and date people who are ok with it?
Or is that what we are all doing anyway, and the "it's bad for shidduchim" line is just a boring person's excuse for lack of individuality?
13 comments:
A girl said to me on the phone before we went on our second date "Be Yourself, because the people who care don't matter and the people who matter don't care." We've been married almost 5 years now.
If you turn yourself inside out for shidduchim and lose your essential self, it becomes a case of:
"I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx
Unless you are prepared to live your ENTIRE life as a sham - be yourself!!
I think the most important thing is to be yourself. It's easy enough to put on an act for a few hours at a time, but not for the rest of your life.
Ezzie- ah, happily ever after. I love those stories. :-)
A smart wife you got yourself...
G6- exactly. That's why I wonder if people really live their lives for shidduchim, or it's all just talk. What do you think?
And btw, I can't believe my peach flavored sparkling grape juice post clashed so horribly with your trip! I was eagerly awaiting your virtual-tomato throwing at what I said...
Anon1- I don't mean on dates. I mean these girls who live their lives in a state of panic over who might see them from 12th grade and on. Sad, eh?
Yeh - some sidduchim out there really throw the "live your life for a good shidduch" theory out the window. Noone can fake things all the time so when you end up getting engaged to your sister-in-law's brother (ya know, the sis-in-law you hang out by EVERY night and spill your guts to her...=))It just goes to show that the theory doesn't work....They know what you're like when you think noone is looking ;P...
And BTW - send ME all your peach sparkling grapejuice....I actually like it!
Y'see?
I'm not the only one!
Oh gosh, what an eye-opener, are there ppl really out there who really live their lives centered around shidduchim...how depressing and how long can they really keep it up for? (Or is that the reason that I am not engaged yet?? ;) )
Yep... the world was created so that people can propagate the great species, which means that marriage is achieving the world's purpose, which means that it doesn't matter if you have to lie and pretend to be someone / something you're not in order to get there!
This is why I hate society. I wish I were kidding, but sadly, I'm not.
well certain things you have to do properly or no shidduch. like table manners, treating others nicely, etc...eventually it will become something you get used to.
but other things like being boring, doesn't seem too attractive, even for a shidduch.
but maybe you could also get used to being boring too?
I never did anything for the sake of shidduchim, and am proud that I never did...
But no, there are quite a few girls who tried to explain that when they look into a shidduch, people don't think of asking x, y, or z...therefore, if you want to get a shidduch, you have to do a, b, or c....
If it's any comfort, my chatan was the same way, and we're both glad we paid no attention to that shtus.
Zeeskeit, yeah, I know those types. My sister-in-law was one of the girls that people thought would have a hard time getting married cuz she was a little kooky. We knew her well and loved her for her kookiness.
G6- Different strokes for different folks, huh?
FR- I really don't know. It seems like people *talk* about that all the time, but I think its just that- talk.
CDC- I don't see how someone can pull it off for their entire life. And just like there are girls who might feel they need to fake a normal side, there has gotta be boys like that too, no?
And for blobs like me, who don't want to fake anything, there must be a male blob out there, huh? I mean, I only need one! ;-)
HTTA- Why do you think I do that for shidduchim? I do that out of menchelechkeit, not so that someone will marry me!
And no, I could never get used to being boring. And I hope I never feel a need to. :-P
Chanie- Good for you! Really. My question is...does anyone?
I see it as twisted! and I do not live my life for the sake of shidduchim, if anything its so far removed from my mind, that I don't even think about it. I know nobody is looking at me to judge.
My seminary teacher once told us that if you were to go out with a guy, you should picture the two of you out on a mountain by yourselves, with no one else there, and then that is how you should act and treat the other person. That you shouldn't decide based on what other people will say, but only what you truly feel.
Word verification: bless
JSB- it's gotta be twisted. I'm glad you agree with me. :-)
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