Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Real Age Test

"Hi, SD?"
"Yeah, that's me. Who's calling please?"
"Hi, my name is Nosey Shadchan. My Sister-in-law breindel is a cousin of Pesha, the neighbor of your friend Hindel. She says your friends are all married (nebich) and you are desperate to get married too."
Ed-Do I give off that impression? Like, enough that everyone has their neighbors' cousins' sisters-in-law coming up with suggestions?
"So anyway, let me tell you about Yankel. Mamish a catch."
"So he has amaaaaazing middos and bla bla bla bla so I told him that bla bla bla bla his father is a bla bla bla bla bla from a chashuva family. His mother is the daughter of bla bla bla bla. SO he is- wait, how old are you again?"
"I'm ^%&#*@ years old."
"Oh, ok, so he is 29. Is that too old for you?"
"Erm, that's a numch of years older...but I guess 29 isn't a problem. But..."
"But what, mamalah?"
"But I just wonder if he is really 29. I mean, I think that in shidduchim, people stay 29 for a couple of years. I don't really want to marry someone in his low thirties."
"Okaaay...well I guess I can look into his age and find out if he is really 29."
"If he is, call me back."
"Ok, will do.
"Thanks, and thanks for thinking of me."

It's been four weeks, and I haven't heard from her. I'm thinking 34 sounds about right.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Little Old Me

I know that it is Tuesday, and that I have neglected Top Ten Tuesday the past couple of weeks. In fact, for a change, I had a top ten list all typed up and ready to go. Then I looked at the calendar and saw that it's shiva asar betamuz. I decided a cynical top ten list wasn't so in spirit of the day. I decided to post this instead. I wrote it ages ago, not specifically for today, but I think the idea is nice in spirit of bein adam lechaeiro and rebuilding the beis hamikdash... Top Ten Tuesday will be back next week, iy"H.

It's one gigantic building,
And I'm just one little brick,
But for this structure to be steady,
It needs each stone and stick.

I'm just one tiny blade of grass,
In one meadow lush and green,
But those tiny blades grow together,
Into the nicest field you've seen.

I am just one tiny drop,
In one giant waterfall,
But those drops flow in unison,
And converge to make it tall.

It's one majestic necklace,
And I'm one unimpressive pearl,
But all of us strung together,
Beautify one special girl.

I'm just one tiny light bulb,
And the hall is bright as day,
But it's thousands of lights shining,
That make it glow that way.

I am just one short little word,
In one long book read by many,
But if any word is missing,
That book's not worth a penny.

Behold one gorgeous tapestry,
And I'm just one tiny thread,
But with one small color missing,
The whole scene would look dead.

I'm just one tiny flower,
In one big beautiful bouquet.
But all the colors and designs,
Together-brighten someones day.

It is one gigantic world,
And I'm just little old me,
But in this great, majestic world,
It's not 'bout I- but we!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Urgent Help Request

The first request will explain my lack of posts this past week. I have a whole bunch of unpublished blog posts in various states of completion stored on an app on my iPod. (By various I mean upwards of 60.) About 90 percent of my posts come from this app, and without it, I am stuck. Here's the problem. I changed the password on my google account associated with this blog. Blogwriter lite, the app that has all of these posts, doesn't have an option to change the account settings. Currently, my posts are hostages of this app. Any advice? Ideas?

The second bit of help I need is not quite as urgent, but something I would love to find. Y'know the kind of awesome plastic cups with lids that you get when you order an ice coffee in starbucks or some other similar store? I want to buy cups like that. Anyone know where I can find them? I need cups that are a minimum of 16 oz, have tight fitting lids with a straw hole, and most important, are disposable. Anyone who finds this for me (at a decent price...) will be my best friend forever. Well, no, not really, but they'll be the reader of the month!

THanks in advance for your help!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Machines Vs. Humans

It's amazing to think how much our society has replaced humans with machines and automations. I can just picture the conversations with my grandkids:

"When I was a kid, people actually had to STOP when they reached a toll booth."
"Why would you stop, Bubby?@
"Because, zeeskeit, in order to pay toll, you had to give it to a person who sat in this little shelter called a toll booth."
"But didn't that make huge lines at the tolls?"
"It did! But in the olden days we just had to put up with it."
"Gosh. I'm glad I didn't live in the olden days."

Online shopping has introduced us to entire new worlds. eBay, Amazon, Paypal... We no longer need to go into a physical store to spend our hard-earned cash. And think of those iPod vending machines. Credit card in, punch a number, and out slides your new iPod- no human interaction neccessary!

"I remember the days when you'd have to stand in line to buy an iPod. And you'd have to hand your credit card to an actual person!"
"Bubby, what's an iPod?"
"It was all the rage when I was younger. It's a music player that also did a few other things. Very cool."
"Why is that cool? All music players do other things."
"Not in the olden days cutie."
"Gosh. I'm glad I didn't live in the olden days."

And similar to the way that the advent of refrigerators left a bunch of ice-box delivery men unemployed, digital photography has changed an industry. 

"...and so we would take this thing called film, and we would bring it into the store. The man would give us an envelope, and we would write our names. Then the man would develop the film, and we would get prints of the pictures." 
"But how did you pick which pictures you wanted?"
"You didn't. In the olden days you had to print all of the pictures you took."
"Gosh. I'm glad I didn't live in the olden days."

Even a simple thing like rolling down your window to ask for directions has been replaced by talking little boxes who think they know more than we do. (Not to mention, nobody actually ROLLS down their window anymore.) But all this leads me to the one aspect of technological advances that I'll never get. Synthetic voices. 

I get how much easier it is to program a machine than train a person. And I get that machines don't take lunch break, sick days or vacation. I get that machines aren't unionized, they don't need medical insurance, and they never talk back. But some things just work better with a person. Self checkout? I can deal with it. But why can't I get an actual recorded voice? 

Am I the only one who's ears hurt from the sound of canned talking?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Top Ten Tuesday: A Challenge

Today's post will demonstrate how hard it is to write a top ten list on a particular topic. Here's the deal. I give you a topic, you give me a top ten list for it, ok?

Top Ten Ridiculous Shidduch Inquiries

Post your list in the comments, or a link to your blog. (I'll add the links to this post.) Lets see what y'all can come up with!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

G-d Gave Me a Lot of Talents

But dancing isn't one of them...

No, seriously. I don't want to brag, but there are so many things I'm overwhelmingly good at. I known it's not me. It's a talent, a gift from G-d. But I guess dancing is His way of reminding me that I did nothing to deserve my talents and abilities, just as I did nothing to deserve my absolute mental block in the matter of dancing.

Nothing amuses me more than a friend telling me I know a weird dance. "'Cmon SD! You KNOW this one! I taught it to you in high school!" Er, yeah, and I'm @$*<£{ years out of high school. I wouldn't have been able to do it a week later, definitely not years later.

Perhaps my inner sore loser is making the policies here, but I recently announced that my wedding won't have dancing. The logic is simple: We dance at weddings to be mesameach the kallah. But dancing doesn't make me happy; it makes me dizzy. We need entertainment though, so we'll have a magic show. (Brilliant, isn't it? BigChamor, you should be getting jealous right around now.)

But it's more than my inability to enjoy dancing. It's the photographers. As if it's not bad enough when some dude jams a pole in your face as you get pronounced husband an wife, the dude follows you and your friends as you dance. It must be a great job for a guy. I can't speak for all photograhers, but the wedding I was at tonight had this delinquint photographer with a downward gaze that sure wasn't in the direction of the shots. That fella was having more fun than should even be legal!

Magic shows just wouldn't have this kind of problem.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Top Ten Shidduch Segulos

10) Eating Dates: I know this segulah seems to be rooted in nothing more significant than a play on a word that wasn't around in biblical times. Nonetheless, I saw fit to include the dates, especially those eaten on Rosh Hashana, simply because the rest of the segulahs we know of are probably just as unsubstantiated.

9) A piece of the plate from a tenoyim: I'm not sure if this comes from a disposophobiac or if it seemed cheaper than the others, but it seems pretty harmless. I mean does it make a difference if each of the kallahs friends throws their shard in a different garbage can?

8) Pouring water for people: I don't know where this segulah comes from, but I'm gonna venture two guesses. A- some guy (or gal, the gender is irrelevant) wanted a drink, but was too lazy to pour one. He took advantage of his overly anxious and naive nineteen year old sister. "Hey, Peshy, did you know pouring a drink for someone is a segulah for a shidduch?"
"Seriously? Oh my gosh what drink do you want?"
B is slightly more selfless. I think someone got the idea that Rivka poured water for some dude then got a kallah nosering. Perhaps if I pour water for a dude...
Either way, the mitzvah of helping someone can't hurt, so I am pretty sure this segulah is harmful.

7) The Breslover Books: someone I know actually reads them, but most people I know simply sigh when the dude in the pizza shop promises you a shidduch within forty days if you just read that book...and give him some lose change.

6) Shir Hashirim: I remember splitting shir hashirim with some other girls. Someone we knew was ancient, ahem, 21. She was redt a shidduch on the 40th day. She and him got married in the end, but not to each other.

5) Perek shira: Remember when this came in style? The politics of it pretty much cleared up by now though. Besides, who's gonna complain about a book with such pretty pictures? I dunno what the shidduch angle is though, so feel free to enlighten me.

4)Buy a tallis: Again, this one doesn't make all that much sense. How do you buy a garment for a man you've met only in dreams? I guess murphy's law and segulahs join forces to make sure that as soon as you buy one you'll get engaged to a guy that doesn't fit it.

3) Set a wedding date: this one is just dumb. And leading straight into the border of the non-harmless segulahs. I'm getting married tomorrow night folks, awright?

2) The zeroah from the Seder plate: this is the epitome of the non-harmless segulahs. I know someone who's ultra learned brother read that the zeroah is a segulah for a shidduch. He tried to sew it into the lining of her shabbos robe, I promise. I'd read forty breslover Seforim and set forty wedding dates before I'd even look into the veracity of this one.

1) $$$: Of course, as a family friend of ours likes to say, the best segula for a good shidduch is to be rich!

What segulos have you heard of? Any real basis for these?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I'm Apparently a Casualty

It was one of life's cruel little ironies. My day would be busier than usual, but I was determined to fit an hour at the gym into it. I planned the day down to the minute. Then I made the fifteen minute trip to my gym.

Truth really is stranger than fiction; I missed the curb and twisted my ankle on my way in. I turned around and went home. I limped into my house, scowling at the irony of my careful planning, wishing I could have twisted my ankle on the way out instead.

Life must go on. I took four advil and went out to parade my balloon of an ankle and my limping self in front of a million people. That wasn't the distressing thing though. The distressing thing is realizing that I've become a casualty of the shidduch crisis.

Yeah, I'm drugged up on advil just to get out of my house, and only one thought is going through my head as these yentish ladies watch me in a pseudo-sympathetic manner:

Limping is bad for shidduchim.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Top Ten Things That Get On My Nerves

(This is by no means a comprehensive list. In fact, I think it should be called Top Ten Tgings That Got On My Nerves Within The Last Ten Minutes. I could make a whole series out of things that get on my nerves...)

10) Parents who ignore screaming kids as if it's not their issue.

9) Drivers who slow down to ten miles below the speed limit when there's a cop around.

8) Asymetry.

7) People who fool around with the bass and treble levels on a shared vehicle.

6) Folks who use lousy grammar when talking.

5) People who drive below the speed limit in the left lane.

4) Food placed in the refrigerator without a proper cover.

3) Traffic. Especially from rubbernecking.

2) Two faced people.

1) Well meaning shadchanim.

If anyone is a shrink, don't try to make sense of that list. There is none.

Now tell me. What gets on your nerves?