Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Would You Compromise?

I am going to finish up my train of thought of my previous posts with this final theory. I don't know if I am making sense with all these theories, in fact, I kinda doubt I am. But maybe this will help clarify things for you, regarding the previous posts also.

"Would you compromise in shiduchim?"
It's a common question, which I face often. And my answer is, always, "Absolutely NOT!" Are you surprised? Why? Would I be expected to compromise? Why? ;) Ok, I know why you may think so, but listen to me first.

Yes, I would be willing to marry a boy with a "BUT", even a boy with TBB. But it's not a compromise. Here's why.

All day, every day, Hashem is busy making shiduchim. Forty days before I was born, he decided who I am going to marry and when I'm going to marry him. Now the issue is getting us together. He's there. I'm here. But we need to match. Imagine each couple is a two piece puzzle. Whatever ridges and grooves there are in me (my piece of the puzzle), have to correspond to whatever ridges and grooves he has. Think about it! It's a massive job, one that would only be able to be done properly by the Master Planner himself.
How can we get SD and DPC to be compatible? Well, if SD has been and changed in xyz way, then she needs a boy who has been through ----- and has changed similarly. Not as a result of diabetes, but some other things I've been through, I don't think I would be able to marry a boy who hasn't matured (in my way). We simply wouldn't be very compatible. I have bumps on my puzzle piece. Don't get me wrong. These are bumps that have made me into a better person. But, I have them, and they ain't going away. I need someone who has them too.
It's as simple as that. I don't call it a compromise. It's a matter of fitting together.
Would I compromise? No, I wouldn't marry a lesser boy. Yes, I would marry a BETTER boy.
It's as simple as that.

So, back to our discussion:
~Have I changed?
~Is change even good?
~How do you define maturity?
Here is my answer(s):
~Yes I have changed.
~Change can be good or bad depending on what kind of change.
~ Change is good if it leads to maturity.
~ I wouldn't compromise, but I WOULD marry a more mature boy.

Did that make any sense? Probably not, but it's as much sense as I can make, as this is my view of things, take it or leave it.... :-)


anon#1 said...

It makes loads of sense! Exactly what I would have said, only in a different way, because everyone's different.

I once read a story about a girl with diabetes who was having a hard time with shidduchim. Her father explained to her the puzzle piece idea, adding in that it's easier to match up end pieces than middle ones. Someone with specific circumstances needs someone else who can appreciate them. They are not like everyone else - a middle piece. May you find the other part of the puzzle soon!

Something Different said...

Malky Feig......gotta love her.... I think that's where I got the idea fir the puzzle imagery but the theory was there before.
Oh...and is everyone different-or MOTS?? ;)

anon#1 said...

Yup! The idea was from Malky Feig.

Good question. All I can say is, my older sister was looking for a typical Lakewood boy that was planning to learn forever. She went out with a lot more boys than me before she found the right one, since she was looking for a pretty standard model.

Something Different said...

Typical? What's that?? :-P

Yes, looking for a different kind of guy does make things a little easier.....

So what type of boy ARE you looking for?

Inspired said...

You absolutely make sense.

What is the name of the book?

Something Different said...

Inspired- you've heard that before, haven't you? It was in a column called mountain climbers, which is published in the yated. I think I have it saved as a PDF somewhere, I'll try to find it for you.

Inspired said...

Ye, I did;) I wouldn't mind reading it though.

Maintenance said...

You may not compromise, but other people may percieve it as a compromise. Most of what the world is, is perceptions, not what actually is. How a person percieves something is what becomes the reality of it to THEM.

So, to you it won't ever be a compromise, but don't think that other people won't percieve it otherwise.

Something Different said...

Inspired-I'm going to try and find it.

Maintenence- I don't care what others think. If I did, I wouldn't be a blob, I'd be MOTS.
One thing that bothers me is if people are going to say "what's wrong with that boy that he's marrying a girl with DIABETES?" oooh that would upset me a LOT. Poor guy!

shoshi said...

I heard too often that people want to marry off the blind with the deaf, and I utterly dislike that mentality. It's so superficial. Especially this "pyramid" approach where people with good yichus and good midos and a lot of money and no disabilities and what you like come on top.

I just don't like the approach. To me, it looks like cattle trading or sheep rearing...

Anonymous said...

fyi its forty days before your future spouse was formed in his mothers womb, i.e conception.