Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Big BUT

I have learned not to be jealous of anyone. That family that looks so content and happy has a sick family member, and that gorgeous girl in struggling though a rough family time. Nobody has a perfect life. Nobody lives struggle free. So it doesn't make sense to be jealous.
Someone gave this an analogy:

"Everyone in the world has their pekelach to shlep. Some people shlep it around in thick black garbage bags. Some people shlep it around in clear garbage bags which leaves no room for doubt as to what is inside."

I add:
"And sometimes the garbage bag splits open and the entire world sees what is inside..."

Either way, jealousy is just plain dumb.

So here is what I am jealous of. It's not a person, because that is stupid. I get jealous of ASPECTS of people's life. (Note, that many of these feeling are transient. I am jealous of it one day and don't really care the next...but here is a list of examples.)

-I am jealous of girls who don't have to pretend they understand when everyone is discussing dating stories.
-I am jealous of anyone who can eat a delicious looking piece of chocolate cake without thinking twice.
-I am jealous of anyone who does not have to work their kishkes out at the gym to keep healthy and not-too overweight.
-I am jealous of anyone who is super skinny and looks gorgeous in a slinky skirt and a tee shirt.
-I am jealous of anyone who is able to be terrified of needles.
-I am jealous of anyone who is happily married already... (!)
-I am jealous of anyone who....ok, enough on here. I am not trying to complain. (Unless maybe I should be...;)
But the number one thing I am jealous of, and this is not something I think of only when I walk into a bakery, or watch my sister do something clumsy. It is something I think about constantly. I think about this with every "MAZEL TOV ______ is engaged!!!!!!" text. I think about this when I go to vorts. showers, and weddings. I think about this when I see my friends parading around in their fancy shmancy sheitels. I think about this as as I shell out money for (yet another) kallah's present.
Here goes: Basically, I am jealous of girls who get redt shiduchim without going through this:

NS (Nosey shadchan): Hi Mrs. ______! I have a wonderful boy for your daughter SD!
Mom: Ok...?
NS: Well, he is a wonderful boy. Really wonderful!
Mom: Can you tell me about him?
NS: He is learning in lakewood, he is considered to be a really top boy.
Mom: ??
NS: So are you interested?
Mom: Well I need to hear a little about him first, please?
NS: I tell you this boy is such a catch you would have to be crazy to turn him down! He is mamish a top top bachur! He is such a masmid, you could chalish! I am telling you! Even being blind doesn't stop him from from learning so beautifully!
Mom: Blind?
NS: And he gets around so well on his wheelchair people almost forget he is in one! It's mamish a neis how independant he is! (Loud sniffle.)
Mom: Wheelchair?
NS: And I am telling you, when his father ran out on his family leaving his mother to cope with ten kids by herself, it just increased his bitachon. He is a MUCH better boy because of it!
Mom: um?
NS: And don't worry that he has 4 siblings who are off the derech. He is totally not like them. He is such an amazing boy with such special midos!
Mom: um...I don't think that...
NS: You don't think that what??
Mom: I mean, he sounds like a very special boy but my daughter was looking for someone more-
NS: If you are worried about him having the burden of parnassah for his large mishpacha (kineh hora) don't worry! He makes a lovely parnassah doing-
Mom: I thought you said he was a big masmid?
NS: Sure I did! He is koveah itim and during those two hours a day he mamish learns so well!
Mom: I don't think my daughter is looki-
NS: (angry) Now look here Mrs. ________! Your daughter is not well herself! {my note: oh YEAH?} She can't afford to be so choosy! Do you think she is getting younger?
Mom: Yes I know but-
NS: But nothing Mrs. ______. Your daughter will have to compromise, and you better face that. No regular boy would go out with her and you know it! Are you really going to let a few little issues get in your way?
Mom: Ok, I will talk to my daughter and my husband and get back to you.
NS: Ok, let me give you my number...
Mom: No, it's ok, I...um...I have caller ID.
NS: Ok Mrs. ______, I look forward to hearing from you!
Mom: Likewise. {snort}
NS: And you better act quick! You don't want to let such a good offer slip through your fingers!
Mom: Goodbye.

But those are kind of better, in a way, than these conversations:
WMS (well meaning shadchan. This is very different than a NS. A well meaning shadchan is usually a friend or family member.): Hi Mrs. _________, how are you? How is the family?
Mom: Good Baruch Hashem! And you?
WMS: Great! Baruch Hashem.....I am actually calling to redt a shiduch for your daughter, SD.
Mom: Ok, let me hear.....
WMS: Well he is a very fine boy, from an excellent family.
Mom: Ok, tell me about him.
WMS: Ok, he learned in [insert name of chashuv yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel here].
Mom: ok, sounds good, what else?
WMS: His father is a [select one: chashuve talmid chacham; Beloved rebbe; well known Ba'al Tzedakah.
Mom: Ok? What else?
WMS: He is very close to [insert name of rosh yeshivah here]. In fact you can call him for a reference.
Mom: Ok, I will take the number. What else can you tell me about this boy?
WMS: He has excellent midos. He comes from a really chashuv family. They have money and yichus and they are so warm and loving....
SD: (anxiously mouthing at Mom) Ask what the BUT is!
Mom: (to WMS) hold on a minute. (Cups hand over reciever, to me) I can't! It's a funny for me to ask!
SD: Ok! So I will. (Takes phone) Hi Mrs. WMS! I just wanted to ask you....
WMS: Oh, SD, did you hear all about this amazing boy I have for you?
SD: Yes, I did, and I have one question.
WMS: Yes?
SD: What's the BUT?
WMS: What?
SD: He's a great boy BUT....
WMS: (uncomfortable pause) Um...it's not a big deal, it's just that......

You can leave the rest up to your imagination. He has this issue and he has that issue, and the "regular" boys don't date ME.
So here is the latest addition to the BOSD glossary: TBB is The Big But. I have a different way of looking at this, but that's another whole post. Realize though, that TBB is ALWAYS there. In my case anyway.

There. I did it. I got out a shidduch rant without having ever been on a date, or even being in shidduchim. Wow. Now I deserve ice cream! :-D


tembow said...

can't say this post was a shock! lol

btw i just noticed the background on your blog- very appropriate lol

Something Different said...

Why not? I surprise myself sometimes. Don't forget this is hypothetical because I am not in shiduchim yet... ;)

Btw-I wrote a post explaining the layout- called my kind of humor.

anon#1 said...

Come on, SD, you don't want a typical boy. You want a boy with a BUT, a boy that knows how to deal with what life throws at him. Am I correct?

I know this shidduch business is not easy, and the comments that people say can be quite nasty. Just keep remembering that you're worth waiting for!

Something Different said...

Anon-sort of. My reply is WAY too long-I'll post it as a new post soon.
What about DPC? Think he'll be worth the wait?? Lol

anon#1 said...

He most definitely will be!

halfshared said...

I'm sorry that you have to go through that. If it's any comfort to you, I don't think I went on any dates before I was 20 or 21. And then I waited another year until I had my next one. And then another year..and then things picked up..and died down. And I'm still single quite a few dates later. I hope that your first boy is the right one for you. Dating isn't fun or easy.
And also, although B'h I'm healthy and all, I am much more inclined to be interested in a boy with a "but" than a boy who has lived on Easy Street all his life.

Something Different said...

Anon-I guess he has to be or I wouldn't marry him!

HS-Right, but there are buts and there are buts....Answer me HONESTLY (no I won't be offended...) Would you marry a boy with type 1 diabetes? (JC-just curous)

halfshared said...

First, I'm pretty much in the dark as to how it would affect him in the long run. I would want to hear all the details and then decide.
Also, it would be very important to me to know how it affected his character. If his middos were not bettered by the challenge and his view of people and life are the same, no, I probably would not consider it.

Something Different said...

HS- firstly I realized that I didn't respond to part of your first comment. Um...I don't go thru nothin. I'm still waiting for a shiduch to be redt for me... :-P

As far as your other comment- you gave me the idea fir my next post but I can't write it till my eyes are fully open which won't happen till I have coffee which won't happen till my mom gets home with the car so I can go buy some unspoiled milk. In short...not now...LOL

EsPes said...

wowwwww i cant believe ur mother actually has those convos with ppl!!!! i would just hang up. ppl have such a chutzpah!
(im getting angry for you lol)

Something Different said...

No those conversations were pretty much hypothetical. Nobody has redt me anything yet..;)

chanie said...

There's a "but" in every shidduch- the question is only what you're willing to let it be.

He's from a nice family...but...the parents can't help you financially. He's a serious eved Hashem...but...a few of his brothers dropped off the derech...and...his parents are divorced...but (good but)...he has xyz as his rabbanim.

Or, he's a great guy and serious and loyal etc, etc, and doesn't care so much about chitzonius and would learn all day and teach little kinderlach alef-bet if he could...but...he has xyz disorder, except that it's nearly 100% controlled by medication, which he takes, and only a tendency- not the actual disorder- gets passed genetically.

Whatever, you get the picture. There's a but in every shidduch. The issue is: Will the "but" be his middot (he has a temper and flies into fits of rage, or he's a perfectionist and demands the same of his wife, or he's needy, etc.), or will the "but" be physical (he's not so smart, he's not so handsome, he has xyz disorder, he's short, he has allergies, etc.).

Now, personally, I'd rather know that the issues aren't the guy's own fault, and that he has a heart of gold (read: guilt pains [for years] after killing a cockroach that was bothering a kid), than to know that he's the best bochur and is gaavadik or abusive.

Take your pick- no one's 100%. It's actually good you've got diabetes- the guys who will date you are less chitzonius-oriented. :)

Something Different said...

Chanie- I agree with you one hundred percent. I am very cool with The Big But. My problem is the perceptions of the general population..
Oh yeah and I can think of lots more reasons that I am thrilled to have diabetes....you just gave me a post idea... ;)

chanie said...

Yeah, I have issues with the perception of other people, too.

But as long as you marry the right person and are happy, who cares what they think?

Glad to hear that I was an inspiration. :)

Anonymous said...

I really like the mashal of how some people shlep their package in a clear garbage bag and others hide it in a black garbage bag...that's so true. You never know what is going on by the next person...

Anyway, this post is one of those ones that make you lol and if it weren't so true I would be able to laugh about it! So many times, shidduchim are redt because two people have one thing in common and nothing else - whether it is age, background, went through the same one thing...the rest of it doesn't have to make any sense but as long as it's a boy and girl, pants and skirt, people assume they can just put them together!

And everyone has their own BUT, some of them everyone knows about and others, well, they cover it well in that thick black garbage bag...

Can't wait to meet your DPC - he's definitely one lucky guy if he gets you!!