Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Cleaning Your Room In 3,297 Easy Steps

1. Promise yourself you are not leaving the house until your room is cleaned.
2. Tell all your friends about your promise.
3. Push the stuff aside so you can open the door wide enough to get in.
4. Turn on the light.
5. Change the light bulbs.
6. Send your father out for more light bulbs.
7. Use the wrong kind until he can get to home depot.
8. Put in the light bulbs.
9. Ouch!
10. Turn off the light.
11. Put in the light bulbs.
12. Locate your bed.
13. Find clean linen.
14. Bribe your little sister to make your bed for you.
15. Smack your little sister.
16. Make the bed yourself.
17. Divide and conquer!
18. Choose the part of your room that looks easiest.
19. If none look easy pick the one that looks the least hard.
20. Take a bag and get rid of all garbage from on top of the dresser.
21. Put makeup back into makeup bag.
22. Blush because it's been two weeks since you last put on makeup.
23. Which means you couldn't find a spare minute in the last two weeks to put it away.
24. Look in mirror.
25. Make sure nose isn't growing.
26. Answer your friends texts.
27. Reply to her next text.
28. Check your email.
29. Respond to your emails.
30. Find something to eat.
31. Get back to work before I tell on you!
32. Pick up an April issue of the Mishpacha magazine.
33. Read through it.
34. Try to figure out why you still have it.
35. Chuck it regardless of your reason.
36. Pat yourself on the back for overcoming your tendency to save everything.
37. Treat yourself by reading your latest texts.
38. Forward the joke to all your contacts.
39. Get back to work!!
40. Open your top drawer.
41. Fold up your summer tee shirts.
42. Place in storage container for next summer.
43. Dream about loosing weight and not being able to wear them next summer.
44. Stop daydreaming or you will never finish!!!
45. Pick up 38 used blood sugar test strips from the bottom of your drawer.
46. Count them, just to prove you have no life.
47. Consider making a collage out of them.
48. Throw them out.
49. Wonder why the music isn't on.
50. Blast the music.
51. NOT a slow song.
52. Blast a fast song.
53. Fold your load of fresh sweaters.
54. Be grateful you have a cleaning lady.
55. Put the sweaters into the newly emptied drawers.
56. Pat yourself on the back!
57. One part down, a million parts left!
58. Look at the chair.
59. Groan.
60. Stop groaning, people are starving in africa.
61. Go eat supper.
62. Take two advils.
64. Open your door.
65. Groan.
66. No! You didn't finish yet!
67. NO! The good fairy didn't come while you were eating supper.
68. Decide on your next plan of attack.
69. No! Going to sleep doesn't count!
70. Yes, clearing off the desk sounds like a good plan.
71. Provided you can find it.
72. Maybe you should look under that heap of junk.
73. Congrats!
74. That's your desk!
75. Um...wait...is it?
76. Yes! It definitely is! Now clear it off.
77. Take a garbage bag.
78. Throw out everything on your desk that you don't recognize.
79. Go to the kitchen.
80. Get some plastic gloves.
81. Resume throwing out that which you don't recognize.
82. Now throw out that which you didn't know you owned.
83. Now throw out everything you wouldn't want clogging up your life.
84. Look, there is your laptop!
85. DON'T turn it on.
86. Step away! I said DON'T!
87. Good! You can turn it on later.
88. Now figure out what you are going to do with the good stuff on there.
89. Think twice if you need everything on there.
90. Relax a minute.
91. It's time to attack the closet!!
92. No, you can't do it later.
93. Ok, if you insist you can work on the floor first.
94. You asked for this!
95. Yes, you really DO have to bend down!
96. Don't complain about your back! You aren't a grandmother!
97. Where are you going to put that?
98. And that?
99. And that?
100. And that?
101. And that?
102. And that?
103. And that........?
104. Yes, you do have to put EVERYTHING in place.
105. No, you should not leave this for so long.
106. Return your sister's crocs to her room and hope she doesn't realize that it was YOU who took them.
107. Return your brother's crocs to his room and hope he doesn't realize that it was YOU who took them.
108. Try on all your shoes "just to make sure they still fit"...
109. Line them all up neatly in the closet.
110. See? It's looking better already!
111. Take a bathroom break.
112. Sneak a peek at the texts you got since you last checked.
113. Promise yourself you will only answer ONE text.
114. Answer all five texts.
115. Try to convince yourself that you are not addicted to texting.
117. Where are you going to put that??
118. You're kidding, right?
119. You aren't really gonna keep that, are you?
120. Pick up some more used test strips from the floor.
121. No need to count them.
122. Yes, this room would be a lot easier to clean without all the stray diabetes paraphernalia to organize.
123. Ok, you really have to fold that laundry you did last week.
124. It doesn't matter if it's stuff you are putting away for next year.
125. You still need to fold it!
126. Fold it neatly or you will find yourself regretting it in a few months.
127. Put away summer clothes-again!
128. You may need some refreshments before attempting the closet.

Steps 129 through 3,297 are trade secrets, and I can't give them away. People might learn my super-efficient method of cleaning.
(Well, alright, that's not completely true. Well, it's not true at all. I didn't finish cleaning yet so I can't post the rest of the steps...)


anon#1 said...

Any special reason for cleaning your room? I only clean my room when we're gonna need it for guests. So what if nobody can walk into my closet? Why would they need to, anyway?

Good luck with it!

Something Different said...

No, not unless you count not being able to find my bed....or anything to wear... Other than that my room was fine just the way it was;)

little sheep said...

oh, come on. i was starting to enjoy that! are you gonna send me the rest?

(i have no lightbulbs)

Something Different said...

Leaving the lightbulbs aside, you can really do it!
I'll have to email you the rest of the instructions, as long as you promise not to divulge them to anyone. I simply can NOT have all my trade secrets becoming public knowledge! ;)

little sheep said...

just as long as it doesn't go the way of the disappearing email...

Something Different said...

If this one doesn't show up then we'll know your room isn't really meant to get cleaned...

Zeeskeit said...

Goodness....You posted this and didn't finish cleaning!?!!?

Get off the laptop and get movin!!!!