Monday, July 13, 2009

Join The Club

Ever heard the phrase "join the club"? Sometimes, it's when you are really tired. You IM your coworker at the next desk, "i'm so tired." So she answers "join the club." Sometimes, you haven't eaten enough. You send your friend a text saying "I'm starved!" She answers something along the lines of "me 2! join the club." Those clubs are not only voluntary, but they are short term. You go home, you get a good night's sleep (for those of you who, like me, can't remember what that's like, try it tonight. It's a good feeling...if I remember correctly.) and suddenly you are no longer a member of the tired-club. If you are hungry, it's an even easier fix. Have a yogurt, an apple, a chocolate bar- whatever you want, and you have left the ranks of the hungry-club.

Some clubs are more pleasant clubs. Like the ipod touch/iphone club. Some lady in the mall saw me playing with my touch while I waited for my father to deal with his cellphone issues, and felt compelled to strike up a conversation. "I have an iphone too!" I corrected her, told her that it's an ipod touch, but I actually like having it separate from my phone. "That way, if someone is talking to me, and I find them boring, I can play cube-runner, or Maze Finger. You can't do that if the ipod and phone are both in one device." So the two of us, total strangers, united only in our possession of touch-screen mobile devices from Apple, were suddenly deep into a conversation. We touched on the pros and cons of the iPhone versus the iPod, we discussed some of our favorite apps, and she even suggested a future career for me! (Unfortunately, no shidduch though.)

That's when I realized...purchasing one of these devices pays your entry into the club. (Albeit a steep entry fee.) It doesn't matter if you are black or white, male or female, tall or short, skinny or fat, blond or brown. All that matters is the common thread between all of you: an iObsession.

There are other clubs that people don't join willingly, and there are clubs that people don't get to resign from. Take the diabetes club. As I told a friend of mine who has diabetes, "it's not a club you sign up for. It's a club that you get drafted into." And, as far as medical science has gotten with it, there is currently no way to resign from the type-1-diabetes club.

Perhaps it is precisely because of the lengthy stay that is required in the club, or perhaps it is because of the way you get drafted, that it has such a strong club feeling. Like the other day, I was in Walmart, and the cashier had an insulin pen clipped onto the lanyard around her neck. (!) Instantly, I felt a bond with this woman. Yes, she was of a different race, and no, I couldn't pronounce her name, and I had never spoken to her before, but I felt, in a strange way like I was her sister. As she picked up the next item to scan it, and I saw her medic alert bracelet dangling from her wrist, I felt that rush again. I sat there contemplating the appropriateness of striking up a conversation about the type of insulin she uses, but just as I was gathering the courage to start, she finished ringing up my purchases, and I was ready to pay. Even as I left the store, I felt a special bond to this unknown cashier with the insulin pen.

That wasn't a solitary incident. I've seen people with insulin pumps clipped onto their belt clip, or others with a little black case that only a diabetic would recognize as one containing a glucose meter. Each time, I want to say hi, to tell them that I am also in the club. It's as if I want to stage an unofficial club meeting. I usually (ok, never) actually gather the guts to pull out my membership card, but the bond is always there.

So tonight, as I turned on the radio in the car, in an attempt to ease the three-weeks induced boredom, I heard them discussing the nominee for the supreme court: Sonya Sotomayor. In all honesty, I don't know the first thing about the woman. In general, politics don't excite me very much. But as I sat there half-listening to the commentary on her, her life, and her political career, I couldn't help but root for her. She is a fellow member of the type-1-diabetes club. No, it's not a matter of hoping she will judge in favor of diabetes treatment or research, it's simply a matter of that ever-present bond I feel with fellow clansmen.

Sonya Sotomayor did not sign up for the diabetes club, neither did I. Neither did that cashier in Walmart, neither did Nick Jonas, Jay Cutler, or any of my simple, ordinary, real-life friends who have type 1 diabetes. And by the looks of it, none of us will be giving up our slots anytime soon. And so, for now, I will just be content to know that I share a bond with all of these people.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Top Ten Annoying People We All Know

1) Ms. I-have-a-baby-so-I-can-talk-in-baby-talk-all-day-to-everyone:
You know her. She's the one who croons at her baby straight through a conversation. Annoying turns ugly when her baby isn't there, and she is still crooning, out of habit, right zeeskeit?

2) Ms. I-have-all-the-time-in-the-world-and-then-some-even-if-you're-rushing:
There is a direct relationship between the level of annoyance she causes and the kind of rush you're in. So as you sit there panicking that you are going to be late for a super important appointment, she is sitting there daintily peeling a cucumber, just in case she gets hungry.
Sadly, that's no example. Happened to me last week.

3) Ms. I-can-do-or-say-whatever-I-want-and-still-be-awesome-but-no-matter-what-you-do-you'll-still-be-crud:
Often she extends this to family members. She hears about behavior exhibited by someone, and is shocked, horrified and scandalized. Then, she hears that the perp was her very own sister...and she sees it all in a whole new light.
Basically the story of her life is cursing out people that aren't her relatives and praising those that are.

4) Ms. I-don't-care-about-you-or-anyone-else-unless-I-am-in-middle-of-texting-them:
You know her. You send her a text, asking her to please listen to you, that you don't like being ignored. She is also the one who always backs up her statements with a "I just got a text about that, let me read it to you"

5) Ms. Oy-I-have-such-aches-and-pains:
Really, it's not just aches and pains. She just has a miserable life. Everything to be miserable about, nothing happy, whatsoever. If it would happen to someone else it would probably be ok, but if it happened to her it's gotta be awful. And she is always feeling sick, which only makes things tougher.

6) Ms. I-already-know-what-you-are-about-to-say-and-instead-of-listening-I'll-cut-you-off-to-tell-you-how-wrong-you-are:
Obviously, her behavior stems from a sense of superiority. Why should she waste her very-valuable time listening to you and whatever you have to say, if she can instead just cut you off?

7) Ms. My-ideas-are-great-and-my-opinions-are-right-and-by-default-you-are-wrong-until-I-tell-you-the-truth:
This is the most self important person you know. It's not that she thinks you are lower than her, she simply IS better. And her ideas are always good, her opinions always right. Like this lady at work. She was trying to give me a proof about something, and used her diabetic mother as an example. "You don't know anything about diabetes, so I'll explain it to you." I don't-what? See, it simply didn't occur to her that I might know. I CAN'T know. She hasn't told me yet!

8) Ms. I'll-say-what-I-need-to-so-you-feel-good-and-then-I'll-forget-all-about-it-and-never-act-on-it-like-I-promised:
These people can be reffered to euphamistically as diplomatic, but they are more of a politician, in reality.

9) Ms. I-speak-a-language-that-you-don't-speak-and-I-will-use-it-when-you-are-around-even-though-it-will-make-you-really-curious-about-what-I'm-saying-and-then-I'll-make-you-feel-really-dumb-if-you-ask-for-a-translation:
It could be Yiddish, French or Spanish. Or Hebrew. For all I care it could be Swahili. Whatever it is, she is conversing with her husband, or some other privileged character who also speaks the foreign language, and conveniantly forgets that there are those at the table who don't speak Swahili.

10) Ms. Oh-my-gosh-you-are-hilarious-you-make-me-roll-ha-ha-ha-you-are-the-funniest-person-I-ever-met-and-I-will-laugh-every-time-you-open-your-mouth-without-waiting-to-hear-if-you-are-making-a-joke-or-not:
She might be enjoyable at first, she gives you lots of attention, she provides a nice ego booster...it seems nice, superficially. But honestly- it's not. You open your mouth amidst laughter, and utter something competely serious and most definitely lacking in humor. You expect the laughter to stop, and it doesn't. Then you realize: the laughter has nothing to do with you and your sense of humor. It's just her.... But I don't know what this behavior stems from. It's just bizzare.

Do you know all of these? Which other kinds of annoying people do you know?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Help Me Help You!


I am getting scared that my greatest fear is soon to come true. Ok, not my real greatest fear, but i am getting nervous that people will expect me to start [sit down-fan self] dating. What a scary thought! Its the combination of my last couple of single friends getting engaged, mixed with the list of boys waiting to date a certain very perfect sister of mine, but either way, I am starting to get a little fidgety.
Until now, when people spoke about dating, I hid under the blanket with a mumbled "I have an older sister". But now I am starting to see this as a bit of a reality. Someone might make me sit in a hotel lounge with a guy for a few hours, and all I will think of to talk about but swirlies!
So the other day, my friend was about to leave for a date when I got a text- "quick! what should we talk about?" I started to wonder. What should they talk about? Honest, I am the last person to know. But I never like to admit that I don't have an answer, so I am asking for your help.

Let's compile a comprehensive list of topics for discussion on dates. Not just any dates, but frum dates. Perhaps we can have a do's and don't's section? Either way, please help me! Either post your topic(s) as a comment, or email them to me. I will put them together in a post which will be linked on my sidebar as a quick reference guide.

Please note:
I am completely serious about this. If I have to I will print this list and stuff it up my sleeves on dates. Please contribute serious topics, humorous topics, and everything in between. If you have (a) topic(s) that you feel are good to discuss on dates, but not for a first or second date, feel free to specify.


Help me help you! :-)


Monday, July 6, 2009

Is It Me or Is It Perfect In Here?

"What was I thinking when I volunteered for this?" was my thought as we pulled away from the last girl's house. Why in heavens name did I volunteer to drive MP and two of her Israel-bound friends to the airport? I couldn't figure it out. But as the trip went by, I suddenly realized why I did it. Entertaining a bunch of MP's as we sat in traffic for what felt like hours turned out to be the best entertainment ever.

Before we set off to pick up her friends, MP issued me a strict warning. "My friends think you're normal. Please keep it that way." I laughed and told her that the public has a right to know the truth. She looked panicky, and told me that it's too late to call the taxi, and could I PLEASE behave myself? "like, don't tell them anything too embarrassing, ok?" I couldn't figure out what she was trying to ask me. "Well, I spent the entire night last night preparing a list of conversation topics I could embarrass you with, do you want to see it?" She didn't.
So we picked up friend number one. She loaded her brand name luggage into my trunk, and we were off to pick up friend number two. Friend number two took longer, because she had her entire family there to see her off. Needless to say, she was dead embarrassed of her family, as MP's generally are, so we were out of there eventually. And then the fun started. "Guys, I brought my Prada phone!"
Prada phone? Silly me! I thought prada made clothes and the like. (Just when I figure out a company they go and change things...) I hoped I wasn't embarrassing my perfect sister, and asked what a Prada phone is. She wouldn't let me lay my non-perfect hands on it, but she took it out of the case to show me. It looked, surprisingly enough, like a phone. Friend2 turned it on, and MP and F1 squealed. "oooh! It says PRADA on the screen."
Conversation then turned to the stress of packing. "I spent hours in [insert name of neighborhood's ritzyest, most exclusive store] making sure I had enough clothing for the trip." The other two nodded in sympathy. I tried unsuccessfully to keep the smirk off my face. I never realized how much easier my life is because of my hatred of shopping.
Having finished the topic of shopping and and packing for the trip, they went on to the important task of complimenting eachother on their fabulous choices. "Ok, I need help choosing which to wear most often. I have these guccis (puts on ugly black sunglasses), these pradas (exchanges pair), and these lacostes (dons final pair). What do you think?" MP was quick to offer a suggestion. "These Kate Spades might look better on you. Try them and I'll wear your Pradas."
Wait a minute, are they, or are they not, talking about sunglasses? The conversation continued in this vein until someone noticed MP's now sweatshirt. "Oh, hey! MP I like your Juicy!" Now, personally, when I saw that sweatshirt, I asked MP why it had a J on it, when her name starts with an M. She didn't answer me. So now I discovered the truth. This was the emblem of another cult.
I had enough. I couldn't keep myself from laughing any longer, so I knew I would have to move the conversation away from things I found so ludicrous. Unfortunately, my next conversation topic ha F1 and F2 crying from laughter, and MP chuckling along, while glaring at me out of the corner of her eye. We eventually reached the airport, and MP tried to usher her friends out of my presence as fast as possible. The Perfects presented me with a highly perfect keychain, that I am embarrassed to admit ownership of. I thanked them in as perfect of a way as a blob like me is capable of, and they departed. I was marveling at their parting line all the way home. "Thanks for the ride SD! And thanks for the entertainment! It was the best ride I ever had!"
Hey! This is a highly perfect person we are talking about. The icing on the cake came a little after I got home. A text from MP saying "thanks for driving us SD! My friends think u are soo cute!"

I have the approval of three little miss perfects. Joy to the world!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Isn't Life Confusing?

Isn't life confusing?
How do people know?
What they are supposed to wear,
And where they're sposta go?

Isn't life confusing?
The rules- they number many!
Some people seem to know 'em all,
But I can't remember any!

Isn't life confusing?
Some things are just allowed,
And If you stick to doing that,
You'll make 'them' really proud!

Isn't life confusing?
Some wouldn't agree.
For "them" the rules are simple,
As easy as can be.

Isn't life confusing?
I wish 'they' would write a book,
So I would know how I should talk
And how I'm sposta look!

Isn't life confusing?
Correct me if I'm wrong.
But these rules seem easy only,
To those who play along.

Isn't life confusing?
When you beak a rule or two?
Suddenly you need instructions,
For everything you do!

Isn't life confusing?
Since they always change the rules?
Keeping up with all of this,
Should be taught to us in schools!

Isn't life confusing?
When you stop and simply ponder?
Why people always do all this-
Don't they ever wonder?

Isn't life confusing?
When you can't just be YOU?
Rather you are always told
What you should say and do.

Isn't life confusing?
When you follow with the crowd?
"I'm my own individual!"
Let's shout it really loud!

Isn't life confusing?
It is- if you let it be.
But wouldn't you rather say?
"No thanks I'll just be me!"

Friday, July 3, 2009

Top Ten Observations and Ramblings From My Vacation

I had a few ideas for blog posts about my vacation, and if I would have been here longer, I would have developed each one into it's own post. As this is the last night of my vacation, I will condense all of these thoughts into one post.

(Note: I started writing this last night in Niagara Falls, but fell asleep in the middle and continued today when I got home.)

1) Niagara Falls is an interesting contrast:
I can't help but marvel at the commercialization of Niagara Falls. I mean, as I posted yesterday about the awesome NATURAL beauty of Niagara Falls. So, take a natural wonder, a gift to mankind from G-d, and what do we do? Of course! We milk it for all it's worth. Let's approach it from every direction. The first approach is from in the water, on the Maid of the Mist boat ride. Then, you can view Niagara Falls from above, in one of two towers or a giant Ferris wheel. You can walk right up to it, in the cave of the winds, and you can walk behind it, in the journey behind the falls. There are also helicopter rides, for the rich and daring. And that's only the attractions that center around the actual falls. I guess the IMAX can be considered a falls-related attraction too, if you stretch it.
I would think that is quite enough, but apparently, others thought differently. Some enterprising people must have said "hey, these falls attract millions of visitors each year, let me build up a tourist attraction around it!" So they did. Just one block away from the beauty and splendor of Niagara Falls, one of the world's most amazing natural wonders, we see Clifton Hill, one of the world's most commercialized streets. One would think that three wax museums and four haunted houses would be enough for one street, but apparently, people thought otherwise. I can't imagine the pull of a place that advertises itself as "the most frightening experience in Niagara" but then again, I don't understand the pull of a roller coaster turning a person upside down three times in a row either, so perhaps it's just me. Then I guess someone else said "hey! A major tourist attraction with no amusement park?" A quick snap of the fingers, and you have Marineland Amusement Park, where you can get splashed by killer whales multiple times per day. The number of lights in the town of Niagara Falls, just in the Clifton Hill area, is probably greater than the number of lights in the entire continent of Africa.
Something doesn't add up there, huh?

2) Its true what they say:
There's an old joke: "the town I grew up in was so small we only had one McDonalds, one Burger King, and three Starbucks." I don't think there is any better illustration of this than here. There is a Starbucks at the top and bottom of Clifton Hill. I don't know why that amazes me so much, but it really does.

3) I've written posts about signs of the times before, but this one just struck me. When I was little, and we'd vacation, nobody knew what wireless Internet is. Today, every hotel has wifi, it's almost unnecessary to advertise it. On the other hand, when I was a kid, the hotel rooms came with a free pad and pen, which we didn't get this time. Has wifi taken the place of pen and paper? Is this the next step in the total eradication of paper and the printed word?

4) I watched an IMAX about the topic, as well as a show in Ripley's, but I still can't get into the mindset of a person who would stuff themselves into a barrel and go over the falls. I mean, seriously, imagine the "goodbye dear" you would have to give your spouse on your way out of the house that morning?

5) As I wrote yesterday, looking at Niagara Falls is like looking at the signature G-d put onto his masterpiece: our world. Someone I know, who has a lot of doubts about G-d told me, upon hearing of my upcoming trip to Niagara Falls, "That place is what makes me believe there is a G-d in this world."
That's why I find it so utterly astonishing that people seem so determined to believe that it was created by ANYTHING but a Master Artist. The Niagara Falls IMAX starts out with an enormously long introduction to the creation of the falls. I don't know if they even mentioned a possibility of a G-d or not, because we were waiting outside, as one of my travel mates, who'd seen the show before, said it was pure apikorsus. And then there is the "Niagara's Fury," which we didn't go on (yet), but it also discussed the creation of Niagara Falls. They also tell you about the shifting rocks and currents, all of which happened millions of years ago. And they say it with such certainty that you would think that they were there to watch it. It seems to me that it's simply a way of covering their eyes and saying "I can't see You, I can't see You!" You CAN see Him buddies, sorry. You are just pretending.
(If you are interested in the reconciliation of scientific facts and the Torah's teachings, there is an incredible bunch of shiurim on aishaudio.com by Mr Harold Gans. I really recommend them.)

6) Be careful when you are listening to your music on shuffle:
I was really thrilled that the car we drove up to Niagara Falls had an auxiliary audio jack, so we were able to listen to anything and everything I had on my iPod. In short, we spent so much time flipping through the various albums to this song and that song that we never actually managed to listen to an entire album. In fact, I'd say it was impressive if we even listened to an entire song. So, as time went by and we became more and more bored of the music we had, we started to listen on shuffle. It was interesting, as it brought up some interesting songs that I'd never choose willingly.
Picture this scene; a bunch of females loading their bunch of luggage into the car. It's a job that requires someone with the skill of a master architect. So as we fiddled and pushed, we turned on the car for some music. (Don't call the shadchan yet! It wasn't very loud, just audible as you passed by our car.) So the song ends, and we listen for the next song in the shuffle. I hadn't realized this was still on my iPod, but Cholent, by Country Yossi came on. So it's playing, and I hear the words "drop it on the Arabs they'll be gone in a day!" and decide to shut it off, as we are in public. I go towards the drivers seat to skip the song, and I see a group of people passing our car. Yep! You guessed it. It was a group of angry-faced Arabs.

7) I don't get the psychology behind souvenirs:
So here is the deal- we are going to take some random junk, pretty similar to that which you just tossed while you were cleaning for pesach, print "Niagara Falls", "Maid of the Mist", or some similar name on it, and suddenly we are charging four times what the item is worth, for something you don't want or need in the first place. What am I missing here?

8) Carry a mini bottle of Lysol spray when you go on vacation:
I am by no means an expert vacationer. My life is fairly boring, as these things go. But there is one thing I know, and that is, that a four day trip means four days of public restrooms, or washrooms as they say back in Canada. I'm not a germ freak, but I am the I-don't-use-public-restrooms type of person. All I can say is thank heavens for the little purse-sized bottle of Lysol spray I picked up before I left.

9) Praise for Goldy:
I want to tell you about one quirk of Goldy's. When I drive with her, I notice that she shaves a minute off the estimated arrival time every so often. But for some odd reason, when it was someone else's turn to drive she put that minute back on! Weird, huh?
Now a compliment for Goldy. She told us to take the ramp on the right, at exit 18. Problem is, exit 18 was closed. Situations like these throw mapquest-printout-clutching drivers into a state of panic. Now what???? But not Goldy. She remained cool and collected, helped us off the next exit and back around to an alternate route.

10) When a bunch of females go on vacation, male receptionists are a pleasure to deal with:
The female who worked the morning shift at the front desk of our hotel was sweet. She was friendly and helpful, and didn't give us any problems. But the guy who worked the late afternoon shift was just awesome. I'm guessing the job is pretty tedious, and that a number of females parading up to the desk with questions or requests, it brightens things up for him. I mean, seriously. He let us into the employee only picnic area, then opened up some employee only doors for us, and gave us some employee only information. Poor guy didn't realize that we are highly aidel girls and his efforts for attention were completely in vain. (Well, not completely. He did get mentioned in a blog post.)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Why We DO Go On Vacation: My Lesson of The Day

A number of weeks ago I attended a shiur on tefillah. The speaker was discussing the concept of praising G-d. She was saying that pesukei dezimrah, for example, are a challenge to many people. I mean, yes, G-d is great, He is awesome, and He does wondrous things, but why does He need me to tell him that? And why am I repeating myself over and over?
Among the many answers, she gave the following reason. G-d most definitely does not need us to praise Him. It's for us. Every time we praise G-d, the totality of His power and His strength hits us all over again.
G-d created the world, He is awesome.
G-d took the Jews out of Egypt, He is invincible.
G-d maintains this world every day, He is powerful.
With each statement of the wonders G-d has done, and continues to do, our faith and hope should grow. Surely, if G-d can do all these incredible things that I am praising Him for, He can also solve my problems.

Perhaps it's the visual side of me, but that thought never really kicked in until today. I walked up to the observation area directly in front of the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, and took the scene in. The majestic formation of the rocks, the water cascading down with extreme force, it was so perfect, so masterful, I suddenly felt close to my Creator. He made a natural spectacle that is unlike anything any painter could ever attempt to imagine, much less create, even in a two-dimensional painting. I looked further upstream, at the unbelievable view of the water hitting the rocks, and then falling in a manner which was nothing short of breathtaking, and I felt it even more. G-d has created the most unbelievable world. If He could create something with as much beauty and splendor as Niagara Falls, surely sending my small, personal yeshuah is not a big deal.

And so, as I walked away from the falls, I felt them pulling me back. They were beckoning me to come closer, to take another look, to burn this unforgettable sight into my memory. Whenever things get tough, and I start to wonder when and how I will see salvation, I will close my eyes and picture the majesty that is Niagara Falls. And I will remember that there is a creator who is capable of anything.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Why Do People Go On Vacation?

Ever wonder why we go on vacation?

Maybe we like the drive? I mean, at first it was nice. We commented on the beautiful trees, mountains, water on clouds. We got an easy mitzvah saying "Ma Rabu Ma'asecha Hashem." But at a certain point, the trees start to blend together into a mush, the water starts looking murky, and the clouds burst and release a torrential downpour onto the very road which you are driving on. So you think to yourself, "it can't be the drive. That's just a means to the destination."
Many long hours of traveling finally brings you to your (rather nice) hotel. Perhaps this is the reason I am on vacation, to relax in a comfortable hotel room. So we unload the car, shlep the luggage up through the elevator into our room, and start to fight. When I was younger, and I was traveling with my family, the entrance into our hotel room would be like this: mad dash into the room. Everyone scrambles for something. One of us grabs the mini soaps and shampoos, another grabs the pad and pen imprinted with the hotel name, and the rest pout all night because they weren't quick enough to get any freebies. Thankfully, we have grown past those days. Tonight, we made a mad dash into our hotel room and staked out the better beds. Being a real talmid of Aharon Hakohen, I took the pull out sofa, which is probably part of the reason I am sitting on this chair at the computer instead of sleeping in a comfortable queen bed. Either way, I don't think the hotel is the reason I am on vacation.
For starters, there is the mess. I can't handle when things are disorganized. I like things to be in their place. I like things to be exactly where I put them, and where I find them when I need them. Looking around the room, at the suitcases strewn about the floor, the food packages strewn about, the myriad wires for every one's cell phone chargers, iPods, laptops, and cameras, the cooler lying in a distinctly hazardous manner across the entrance to out "suite", the towels all over the bathroom floor, and the half empty water bottles everywhere, I have come to the conclusion that it's a GOOD thing I am sitting facing the wall.
Then, there is the noise. I have had my own bedroom for as long as I can remember, and really don't like roommates. I am sitting here listening to one of the others snoring, and I am realizing that the only way I will sleep a wink tonight will be what I call the "seminary system." I haven't employed this method since my seminary days, but I will be sleeping with headphones blaring some slow music, such as Shwekey Behisorerus, or perhaps Project Relax.
And while the others might be feeling very vacationed in their queen beds, I don't see how this pull out couch with a mattress the Israelis would be jealous of is supposed to make me feel more relaxed.

I guess it's like the story of the guy who went complaining to his Rabbi that his house was too small. After first taking in, then removing, all of the animals on the farm, his house was much bigger. I think that by the time I get home, I will appreciate it so much more.



Sunday, June 28, 2009

Men are From Where?

I had a very enlightening discussion with my family this past Friday night.
First, let's set the stage: there were four of us at the meal, not including my parents. MP, myself, LT (little tzadik'l, who is anything but little), and LMM. My father was engrossed in a Sefer or something, which, conversationally left LT the only male at the table.
He was telling us women a story that happened the previous summer in camp. Basically, without going into too many of the boring details, some guy in camp made up a nickname for one of the janitors. Not that it was a brilliant nickname, but this boy decided to confide in another janitor, and tell him that the guys were calling the first janitor "it". It turned out to be a bad move, as janitor number two goes and tells "it" about his nickname. When "it" found out, he went and hunted the little bucher'l down, and beat him up.
That was basically the end of the story, and by the time he had reached it, LT was in stitches. He could barely choke the words out, amidst hysterical laughter. He looked over at us, his very own sisters, and his very own mother in shock. Why weren't we laughing? This was probably, to guys, the single funniest event of their summer.
Then, the conversation went on, and suddenly, LT was discussing swirlies. For the females reading this, who are reacting as we did, ("huh?") a swirlie is when you stick another guy's head in the toilet bowl and flush.
If your reaction is one of horror, please know you are in very esteemed company. MP was completely horrified at the thought of this. Personally, I was chocking over my Diet Dr Pepper, and couldn't stop laughing long enough to formulate an opinion on the matter.
So the conversation went on, and we all had lots of questions. Had LT ever been swirlied? And had he swirlied any other guys? How does it work?
It was in complete wonderment that the females at that table listened as LT promised that he'd never been swirlied, and that he had only given another guy swirlies once, and that there is a particular toilet in his yeshivah dorm that is especially suitable for swirlies. When we had finally managed to close our mouths, my mother commented. "Its times like this that I wonder why we don't say shelo asani ish."
Then LMM, my lil sis, turned to MP and myself, with horror written on her face, saying "and you two want to MARRY one of those?"
MP was busy wondering what people think of LT when he does things like that, and I started to plan my blog post. ;-)

Men and women are completely opposite. Men don't find the same things funny as us women do. Women don't consider stuffing their friend's head into a toilet bowl an appropriate display of friendship. Men don't see why a woman would need five pairs or shoes, crocs, Chinese slipper, and 'regular' slippers an appropriate way to pack for a week long trip. On the other hand, women don't understand the logistics of eating a lethal combination of beans and barley at ungodly hours. And men don't get why a woman would care about things like 'mauve' and 'Burgundy' and 'lavender'.

But then as one person put it, so succinctly, "Men are from earth, women are from earth. Get over it." While we are total opposites, we have to date, with the goal of living harmoniously for the rest of our lives. Isn't that hard? Honestly, I'm not in the position to speak about this topic, as firsthand dating experience is not something I have mug of. But how does a man and a woman even find topics of common interest? Men don't want to hear about your shopping excursions, and women don't want to hear about their run-ins with janitors, especially not those that ended with blood and a cast.
What is there then? How do people do it?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Why I Hate Summer

I just remembered why I hate summer. I knew I didn't like it, but the reason why was totally evasive. For the life of mine, I could not remember. And so, all winter long, I waited with dread for the summer months to arrive and flaunt their hate-able glory.
First, I thought it was the temperature. I am not one of those people that enjoy the hot weather. I don't find sitting on a hot beach, baking in the hot sun, wiping sweat rivers off of my face to be a relaxing way to spend my time. In fact, if I was forced to chose, I would prefer to sleep in a room that is 60 degrees than a room that is 80 degrees. But as I retreat into my air conditioned home, and prepare to become a recluse for the next three months, I realize that heat alone can not be the reason behind my utter hatred of the summer months.
Then, as I stare in consternation at the rip all down the front of my brand new tights, I think this might be the reason behind my abhorrence of the summer months. But deep down I know that isn't the reason either.
Then, as I stare at this itchy, red bump on my forearm, the reason starts coming back to me. But it's not until I hear my little sister running out of the bathroom screaming hysterically about something in the shower, that I remember...


Gosh, I hate them bugs. From the tiniest little mosquito, that flies inconspicuously around, sucking my blood like its life depends on it, to the enormous flying spiders that seem to love our upstairs shower, bugs just creep me out.
Now, without going into the sordid details, I'll simply tell you that I have a lot more reason to be afraid of bugs than most other people. ;-) So as I listen to massive bees buzz around my head, I feel a little guilty. I mean, G-d made the summer, and I should be happy for it. I should love the heat, I should love the bugs. I guess I need to work on myself, but it's hard to work on myself with these bugs flying around my head and these itchy spots all over my skin.