Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Peach Flavored Chain of Tradition

My father has a theory about peach flavored sparkling grape juice. I touched on it already, but I will now explain.
Believe it or not, there is only one bottle of peach flavored sparkling grape juice in the world. The bottle was created one fine day in a factory somewhere off the coast of some river. From there, this grape juice, or PFSGJ, was taken by truck to a heimishe store on a busy street somewhere in a busy Jewish neighborhood.
Meanwhile, it's been a hectic day for Mrs. Fefferkorn. Her food processor broke halfway through making her potato kugel. Her two year old, shmuly, fell off his chair and got a nose bleed. Her four year old, rivky, not to be out done, had a tantrum over the fact that shmuly got a Popsicle and she didn't. At the same time, the guy from the dry-cleaners came to pick up some stuff, the UPS guy had a delivery which needed to be signed for. Both phone lines were ringing. Just as the noise reached a crescendo, 8 year old Yanky pipes up "ma! I'm going away for shabbos, remember? I need to bring a present to my hosts!"
Mrs. Fefferkorn, being the true eishes chayil that she was, kissed shmuly on the cheek, told rivky to stop howling, dumped the clothes in the hands of the bewildered dry cleaner guy, scribbled something for the UPS dude, and handed Yanky some cash to run to the grocery store on the corner and pick up a bottle of sparkling grape juice.
Perhaps if Shmuly had chosen some other time to get his nose bleed, and Rivky had chosen some other time for her tantrum, and the dry cleaners guy and the UPS guy had missed the light at the corner and been delayed by a few minutes, the mistake would not have happened. But it did. And now the world is paying the price. You see, in her great haste to solve multiple crisis at once, Mrs. Fefferkorn made a vital mistake. She sent Yanky for some sparkling grape juice without specifying which flavor.
So yanky went to the grocery store, determined to buy some sparkling grape juice as a gift. The storekeeper, a normally erliche yid, who would never cheat a young boy intentionally, saw a loophole in this boy's naivety. "Aha!" he thought to himself. "The boy didn't specify a flavor!" And that is how Yanky Feffercorn came to be the proud owner of PFSGJ.
Yanky carried the bottle home carefully. Surely his mother would shep nachas at her little son's independence. He showed his mother the newly aquired bottle of PFSGJ. Yet he couldn't understand why her face fell.
Left with no choice, Mrs. Fefferkorn sent the bottle of PFSGJ with Yanky to his friend Shimmy Huffenenmyer. Yanky presented the present to a gracious Mrs. Huffenmyer, who just barely managed to conceal her disdain. Mrs. Huffenmyer buried the bottle in the back of her cabinet, and forgot it was there. Until the day that 12 year old Yenty Huffenmyer reminded her mommy that she needed a gift for her friend's mommy, because she was going to her for shabbos. With an evil grin, Mrs. Huffenmyer wrapped up the PFSGJ and passed it onto Peshy Finkelstein's mommy.
Mrs. Finkelstein placed the bottle in that back of her cabinet, as well as her memory. She forgot about it so completely, that it remained in the back of the cabinet until Purim. You see, Mrs. Finkelstein is a very organized person. But somehow, she miscalculated the number of cleverly themed shalach manos she needed. And that's how it came to be, that she rummaged in the cabinet and found the bottle of PFSGJ. She put it in a fancy little bag with a box of hazelnut flavored presidor wafers, tied it with a color-coordinated ribbon, and dumped it, as graciously as she could, in the hands of the little girl at the door: the daughter of her old neighbors, the Fefferkorns.
And that, my friends, is how the cycle completes itself.
And so, for years now, the bottle of PFSGJ has made the rounds of Jewish homes across America. Nobody drinks it, why, that would be a disturbance of our entire system! So next time someone passes the bottle on to you, do not despair. Recognize your vital role in the chain of peach flavored mesorah
Just smile. And pass it on.

20 comments:

little sheep said...

SD...you are one nutty gal :D or is that peachy?

Something Different said...

LS- I'll let you chose. ;) but I'm taking that as a compliment...no matter how you meant it. :-D
(Btw, do you see what I meant by 'different'?)

Anonymous said...

Cindy Pefferkorn...

Scraps said...

Believe it or not, my family actually likes the Peach Flavored Sparkling Grape Juice and will drink it quite happily! If it happens to fall into your hands, you can always pass it along to me. :)

Floating Reflections said...

Well we have 2 bottles of that rubbish - explain that!

Inspired said...

LOL. The same thing probably happens to the box of marshmallows:-)

and btw we do drink PFSGJ :P

Mikeinmidwood said...

I drank it, does that ruin the chain? or can they magically recollect it from urine.

Altie said...

woa, if that story's not made up, then I'm completely crazy. Where'd u come up with that?

chanie said...

Do you know how many times I read your title and first line? And until a second ago, I read, "The PeSach flavored..." in both sentences....er...

Something Different said...

Anon- uh, cindy? I don't believe we've met...

Scraps- um, I don't even know what to say... Is that like, how it goes in yehupittsville? People eat and drink weird stuff?

FR- rofl. I guess there is a couple of bottles in circulation.

Insp- LOL, yep. And the fancy mints in the green box...
YOU? Hello, it's gonna make you high! :-p

MIM- eww.

Altie- I was trying my hand at fiction writing, but don't tell anyone. ;-)

Chanie- Erm, that's weird. You scared me for a minute that I spelled it wrong or something. Well now that we've established the correct title, what do you say?

Oh, and G6, if you're reading this, I'm waiting for you to come to the defense of PFSGJ... :)

Altie said...

omg, you're not gonna believe this, but i was re-organazing the cabinet, and i moved a bottle of grape juice, and i happen to glance at the label, and it was....yup! peach flavored sparkling! i started laughing so hard!! think i should open it and see wut it tastes like? or will that break tradition?

Mikeinmidwood said...

Something Different

Is that "eww" on the drinking part or the urine?

Inspired said...

I wrote we.

I did taste it tough, not bad... but not worth that extra insulin;)

tembow said...

SD, we actually drink and like to drink PFSGJ so there must be more than one bottle in circulation (plus a lot of other people said they do as well.)

btw G6 is having tea with the Queen at the moment. i doubt she is thinking about PFSGJ! (maybe peach tea)

Scraps said...

I like the PFSGJ. And so do my folks. That's all. :) I like the mints in the green box, too!

(The RaspberryFSGJ is a different story, though. My parents like it, but I think it's gross.)

Something Different said...

Altie- NO WAY! You would be messing with a centuries-old tradition that is the very core of jewish existence. Uh, maybe not.

MIM- Lol! I guess both. ;)

Insp- yeah, I saw, I was playing dumb. Yeah, I would guess something like that wouldn't even be worth the effort it takes to reach your hand to your pump to bolus, huh?

TB- Awww, do you REALLY have to disprove all my best theories? You are so not invited to read my future theories...
And SHUCKS about G6. She really should consult me before doing things like that...

Scraps- er, which planet are you from? The green-boxed mints too? Gosh. I am speachless. :-p And I didn't even know they made RFSGJ. If I had known I would most definitely have included it in the post. You see, Meanwhile, mrs. shpilkowitz sent her 9 year old daugheter genendel to the store for a gift for.... :-D Wow, the post could have gone on forever! Imagine the shalach manos swap where they switch the PFSGJ for the RFSGJ! ;)

Scraps said...

Here's a sampling of Kedem's Sparkling Grape Juice products. There are probably more than you've ever heard of - and they carry nearly every one in the Yehuppetzville supermarket. :-P

http://kedem.com/defaultPM.aspx?page=4

Something Different said...

Scraps- I can't drink that stuff I have di-ah-bee-tus! rofl. I guess it is a good thing that page was empty...

G6 said...

Thanks for the heads up SD....
I had no idea you were all talking about me behind my back... :D

So here's my defense of PFSGJ and frankly, any other peach flavored product.... YUMMY!

You'll laugh to know, that when I wasn't having tea w/ the Queen, I was out shopping for my offspring. What do you think my son asked me to bring back to him from England? Peach Seltzer from Tesco!!! No joke...
(I know, I know, what kind of nutty mother shleps liters and liters of SELTZER in her luggage home from vacation....? The kind that likes PFSGJ I suppose, lol...)

Something Different said...

G6- my pleasure!
Eww. I really have no answer for you, cept that you have weird tastebuds. Maybe consider a transplant. Oh, and I guess it's genetic... ;)