Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Top Ten Letter's I Ain't Gonna Send

If this post feels like its repetitive after last week's Top Ten list, it is. I mean, isn't life this time of year basically repetitive? Its like eat, sleep, repeat. And if this intro sounds harried its cuz MP is hanging around behind me and I keep alt-tab-ing in terror as she passes. It's all part of this marvelous family togethness though, right? I mean, my house isn't tiny but somehow this week every where I look there's somebody.
Anyhow, presenting the letters that swam through my head as Yom Tov progressed:

10) Dear Lady staring at me in the grocery store,
Yes, that IS flour all over my clothes. It's Erev Yom Tov. I baked challah. People DO that u know.

9) Dear Spider,
I don't mean to sound snobby, but I don't like u. And if it weren't the first night of a three day yom tov you'd be killed just for hanging over my bed like that. I'm having a really rough time staying so calm because I can imagine waking in the middle of the night to find you crawling across my- oh why fake it- GO AWAY! YOU SCARE ME!
8) Dear Niece,
I love you, but really, did you have to drool in my HAIR? It's ok, really, I mean, I get to wash it all over again in a mere 60 hours.

7) Dear Mattress,
I know you have no idea what I'm saying, but just this once, could you walk yourself out of the sukkah? You and I both know Bro ain't gonna do it.

6) Dear Stomach,
I know you aren't used to this, but hang on, ok? Just two more days...
5) Dear G-d,
I don't mean to complain, but yom tov would be a whole lot more enjoyable if my body were just a tad better at dealing with carbs.

4) Dear Little Sis,
Yes, my hair is greasy. That happens when I don't wash it for three days. I thank you for bringing everyone's attention to it. You needn't go to all the trouble next time though, it's hard to miss.

3) Dear Glazed Coffee Bundt Cake,
Stop looking so smug. You don't tempt me, hah!
Ok, you do. But not nearly as much as the chocolate peanut butter ice cream pie. So there.

2) Dear Challah,
You were better seven meals ago. No offense or anything.

1) Dear Shower,
Oh, how I've missed you.


Mushkie said...

Brilliant, brilliant. Especially the challah one :) Did you hear that this is how it'll be for the next few years? Not to be the harbinger of bad news or anything.

Soul Comfort said...

very funny.

Bookworm said...

Seriously? I share with you my secret of non greasy hair, and still you lament? There are some people out there who have articles written up how they won't shampoo their hair more than once a week as they think it is too harsh so they use Oscar Blandi dry shampoo (available at Sephora).

I know oily locks takes up a lot of your top 10, but get the dry stuff and knock it down to 5.

Spiders eat annoying insects. As long as they stay on the ceiling, I'm willing to have a truce.

Anonymous said...

Dear Sd,
Please send me the recipe for the yummy sounding glazed coffee bundt cake. :-D

Loved this post!

Frayda said...

very funny!

Shades of Grey said...

I would add another one - to the gradually (and not so gradually) disappearing stack of pre-cut toilet paper and/or boxes of tissues placed throughout the bathrooms in the house. By the time Shabbos morning rolled around - after guests, relatives, and the nuclear family had utilized the facilities for almost 3 days - we were nearly out!

itsagift said...

Dear toothbrush,
We will be reunited once again - very soon. I hope you can wait another few days.

Oh, and pass the message on to the toothpaste too!

Great list, btw!