Monday, December 20, 2010

Standardizing The Shidduch System

It worked in ancient India, why can't it work for shidduchim? They had a Caste system, we need a class system. It would make everything so simple.


Here's how it needs to work. Everyone starts off at class A. Few people, however, stay there. Every strike has a point value. Are your parent's divorced? That's ten points. Enough to knock you down two classes. Congrats, you're now a class C shidduch candidate. Wait, do you suffer from severe allergies? That brings you down to a class D.

Are you a cancer survivor? That's four classes right there. Asthma? How bad is it? Severe asthma will cost you two classes, just a class less than diabetes, an automatic start at class D. Have you broken an engagement? That's going to cost you a couple of classes. Not as many, however, as, say, a divorce. And while sibling issues are not as costly, a sibling off the derech will set you back a class or two.

How's your weight? The number of classes you lose from excess poundage is determined, naturally, by your BMI. Pimples, unconventional heights, poor looks and dysfunctional families are also covered by the class system.

Celiac? IBS? Hearing defect? Glasses? Krohns? Hypothyroidism? All gonna cost you. And don't forget mental health issues, all of which knock you back a whole bunch of classes.

Every year, on your birthday, you get bumped down a class. It's only fair to give the advantage to the 19 year olds.

Don't worry though. The system works both ways. How rich is your father? Slightly above average? That'll get you a class or two. Name on buildings? At least four or five classes. Is he among the country's top 50 richest men? Because that's an automatic class A, even if you limp, stutter and have cross eyes. A rosh yeshiva for a father is good for two or three classes, a rabbi is good for at least an extra class.

Are you gorgeous? Give yourself a class. A size 0/2? That's another class. Popular? Well dressed? Good job? These might raise your class too!

Think of how simple shidduchim would be under my proposed system. There would be a national Class Registry. After registering in the appropriate class, say, class D, you would meet the class D shadchanim, who would match you up with a boy/girl on the same class. Nobody would have to waste time meeting people who are beneath them! Shadchanim wouldn't be so swamped, because their clients would all be "classified." More people meet, get engaged, and married.

And just like that, the shidduch crisis has been solved.

Well, not really. Boys would get bumped up a class, just because they're boys. We gotta keep it fair, right?

19 comments:

Mikeage said...

Awesome.

Well, technically, horrible, but you know what I mean. :)

Bonus points for writing a proper spreadsheet...

beheima said...

Good post but I have a lot of issues with it. Just a few:
The caste system in India was horrible and degrading. also, there was no way to upgrade to a better class. If u were born into an untouchable family, that was where u stayed until you were hopefully reborn into a better class.
I think in our circles a broken engagement is considered much worse than a divorce...in fact the rabbis say rather go through with the wedding and then divorce than break off a shidduch.
(Interesting how half of the health issues were digestive problems.)
While having a filthy rich father can be a nice concealer for some blemishes (like some extra pounds), I don't believe a boy will marry a girl with cross eyes unless he comes with his own issues. You just cant look away from that.
Finally, your class system will work, but only for the class A. People in lower classes always hope to be able to marry up, and there is no reason why they shouldnt...it does happen yknow, being that we BH dont adhere to a caste system.

Mystery Woman said...

Actually, I think that there already is a class system in shidduchim. Except that it's the opposite of the way you describe it. I think all girls start off at Class D. (The boys, however, start off at Class A.) And there are different things that'll move you up a notch or two. Such as money, looks or size. The more notches you move up, the more chance you have of being matched up with a Class A boy.

lifeonacottonball.blogspot.com said...

funny, but sad 'cause its pretty true!

Chaim said...

If the profile says class B, you know he or she is really a class D.

iRiR said...

You have to include an Alpha class for those above Class A. You reach Alpha status if, say, you can cook italian!

SiBaW said...

So does blogging raise one’s level or decrease it…? :-)

Anonymous said...

I have two daughters who are technically eligible, though they are not yet dating. After reading this, I'm thinking that allowing them to date would be child abuse.

BTW...There is a Alpha class, mostly based on yichus, which overcomes ALL financial issues. But it's almost a private club. If you have to ask, the answer is no.

Primum Non Nocere said...

Love it :) It would be a scary exercise to try to figure out what classes the avot and imahot would end up in...I think we would have to to dig deep and create some classes further down the alphabet than D.

http://asformeandbeiti.blogspot.com/

badforshidduchim said...

Anon - about as much child abuse as letting them go for seminary interviews, or search for a job, or any of the other parts of growing up. It has its issues and its rewards. C'est la vie.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Mystery Woman- there is a caste system in place already!!! And its about as tight as Indian

aminspiration said...

beheima- the saying that it is better to get divorced is only if you have had a halachic engagement which most people do not do today until right before the actual wedding. If one does tana'aim earlier on then if he/he decide to break it off, since they are halachically bound they must marry and divorce.

If someone has not done tan'aim i think it would be hard to find a rav suggesting such an arrangement especially since divorce means that she can never marry a cohen.

itsagift said...

What a great idea!! Now this letter has to be printed in the Yated Reader's Write...

beheima said...

@aminspiration In my circles, the tinoyim is done months before the wedding. I guess that's why I only know about it being harsher to break an engagement.

Rivki said...

and you didn't even include categories for BTs or geirim. I guess that's an entirely different caste system altogether, no?

Anonymous said...

There is a caste system already, the wheel has been invented.

Something Different said...

Thanks for your compliments y'all.

The reason I didn't compile a complete list of "issues" and their point value, as I originally intended to do, is that I didn't want it to be a compilation of my opinions on how bad various issues are.

Beheima- I know how bad the caste system was. That's why I compared it to this.

SiBaW- depends on the blog. Lol.

Anon- definitely less abusive to not let them date at all.

Anonymous said...

this already exists btw.

Mushkie said...

Great post! PNN, there was an article about that a few years back, it was pretty scary - i.e. Yosef was an orphan, Moshe was a stutterer, and as for yichus - !

That was a good mix of sarcasm and humor.