Thursday, November 12, 2009


This post is going to be one of those I-am-really-glad-my-mother-doesn't-read-my-blog-posts. It will also be one of those you-should-stop-right-now-if-you-are-a-mother-of-teenage-children-who-use-your-car posts. It will also be a you-shouldn't-be-reading-this-post-if-you-don't-like-self-glorification-by-bloggers kind of post.

The good news is, after the following line, it will not be one of those every-word-is-separated-with-a-dash-and-making-you-really-nervous-posts.

And so, with that glorious introduction, I invite my non-mom (oops! Did it again!) readers to read about my newest skill.

First, let me tell you how long its been since I first set my mind to learn it. I was in tenth grade, and my brother got engaged. One night, he had driven myself and a couple of siblings to a few stores. On the way home, we stopped for ice cream. ("Shhh, don't tell Mommy!") he sent us into the store, and we promptly came out with enough ice cream to make my mother wonder why we weren't touching her supper. My brother issued a command: all ice cream must be finished before we get home.

And so, we set our minds to the task at hand. For most of us, it was a pretty easy one. For my brother, it wasn't so simple. For starters, he had a newly transformed brido-sapien on his hands. Obviously, he had to continue texting her, lest she turn into a fearsome bridezilla. ("Why is my chosson ignoring me??? He probably doesn't like me!!!!) That occupied one hand. His other hand was busy with ice-cream eating endeavors. The problem is, he also had to drive, which takes at least one hand.

Do that math folks! 1+1+1=3 arms required to multi-task. To ordinary 2-armed people, this would be a monumental problem. My brother doesn't have a reputation as one of the brightest boys in his yeshivah for nothing. He texted with one hand, ate ice cream with the other, and steered with his knees.

Brilliant, huh? That was the first time I witnessed the amazing feat of knee-steering, and I haven't forgotten it since. Last night for the very first time, I achieved that lofty goal. I steered with my knees! It was such a liberating feeling! Here I was, driving, both hands free to do with them as I pleased. I still haven't figured out how to turn corners with my knees, but I'm totally proficient at bends in the road.

Anyone wanna go with me for a little drive?


Frayda said...

That is really dangerous! You should not do that!

thinking out loud said...

I went to take my road test with an instructor, and he drove there with his knees, cuz he was on the phone and had to write things down.
You can't imagine how nervous I was!!!! (meet me, the queen of back-seat drivers!)
My brother once did it also - i just closed my eyes, and prayed. I guess that worked...

itsagift said...

OMG! You are talented!! Should I say that again?!
Lol, so now you could text and drive too! But I'm not volunteering to come into your car while you drive...sorry dear! I'll just text back lol!

Dude with hat (aka BTS) said...

You're crazy! That's not a skill that's called pikuach nefesh!

G6 said...

"It will also be one of those you-should-stop-right-now-if-you-are-a-mother-of-teenage-children-who-use-your-car posts."

MAJOR CORRECTION: It's one of those you-should-stop-reading-right-now-if-you-live-anywhere-near-where-I-do posts!!

This is not only dangerous, but STUPID!!
Texting while driving is stupid and illegal to boot.
Heck, why didn't you just take your seat belt off while you practiced your new "moves"?!!? (or would that be silly and stupid?)
Forget whether your mother would be mad. EVERY MOTHER who lives in your neighborhood and walks the streets and lets their children walk the streets should be mad.

{Stepping off my soapbox now...}

tembow said...

you just learned NOW?!!!!?
boy r u late! :p

Scraps said...

Oysh. Remind me never to go anywhere with you as the driver EVER AGAIN.

humph said...

well, I guess all these people have never driven with you before. because if they did then they would realize that you probably pay more attention with the knee driving, cuz your just mastering it, then you do with the hand driving. although you are a really scary driver you don't beat my husband so i will still come in to your car.

Something Different said...

Oy vey, I sure made some people mad! Allow me to explain fellas, I'm new at this, and as humph says, I think I'm more careful when I drive with my knees, cuz I really need to concentrate. In addition, I'm new at it and so I keep my hands near the wheel just in case. I don't text while I drive, tho I do text at red lights and in traffic.

And to humph I should say humph back to you. Dahlin, I am NOT a crazy driver. You wouldn't remember. You've not been in my car in months! You must not remember!