Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Soaring Solutions to an Escalating Problem

The wedding is winding down. A couple of girls are too tired to dance; we are shmoozing on the side intead. One of us is not really a person. She is, in actuality, a brido-sapien. You can practically see a reflection of her chosson in her eyes. It's not so odd, actually. She has already begun the long week of no communication with her other half. She starts to advertise her own affair.
"Everybody better come to my wedding next week! It's going to be in Ateres Sara Rivka Rochel Leah, chupa is at 6:30. Are you coming?"

The object of the question looks surprised. "But I only met you tonight! I don't even remember your name!"
The alien in our midst doesn't care about simple things like that. "I don't care. Besides, it pays to come. My chosson has lots of friends."

The crowd finally looks interested. A number of voices chime in. "Single friends?"
"Yes!" the brido-sapien breathes. "He is the first of his friends to get married. Most of them are just starting to date now."
"That's it!" exclaims the kallah's new best friend. "I'll be there."

Someone in the crowd is overwhelmingly practical. "What difference does it make if the chosson has single friends. They're all on the other side of a big mechitza."

We need a way to atract their attention. The suggestions start to come in. "We could peek over," one girl suggests. I have a more imaginative idea. "Lasso." Nobody likes it. I need to try again. My mind races.

A light turns on in my brain. "Ok, listen. I've got The Solution." All around me, ears are perked. "Here's what we need to do. We print up lots of copies of our shidduch resumes, then turn them into paper airplanes. We fly 'em over the mechitza."

One of my audience isn't impressed. "These boys get millions of shidduch resumes. They need to SEE us." My mind races. We need a solution. Millions of Yiddishe homes rest on it. "Ok, we print 8x10 photos of ourselves. Write our contact number on the bottom. Fly them over to the yingles on the other side."

All around me, faces register delight. I think I've just solved the shidduch crisis.

13 comments:

G6 said...

Paper airplanes... ingenious!

(Of course, handing them over to all the "barracuda moms" on the women's side of the mechitza might even accomplish more.... Oh, and a word of advice - torpedoing their feet with your spiked heels and elbowing them out of every circle is definitely NOT the way to get them to think highly of you for their "special boy")

MY Design said...

LOOL - i always say.. we should line the girls and boys up once a month and declare a shidduch day.... but the paper airplanes idea does take the cake.

I'll definitely be looking over my head at the next wedding....

MusingMaidel said...

In my seminary we use hangers. We stretch out the hanger, reach over the mechitza, and drag them out of the circle by their jacket lapels. Of course, only the hanger touches the chosen one so there is no negiah involved.

Good post!

Bored Jewish Guy said...

I like the idea, if girls started doing that, I might rethink my hatred of weddings :)

little sheep said...

lol. not at all what you led me to expect!!

harry-er than them all said...

SD and G6, this is a very serious discussion, how could you mock ;-)

or you could do what happened to one of my friends. Some girls father walked around to the guys tables with his daughter's shidduchim resume asking if anybody thinks she is their speed and wants to go out with her. there were no takers, but more people didnt want to go out because the father was well, weird for doing that.

But how about printing the resumes on one side, the picture on the other, and what she is wearing tonight in case they want to peek over to the women's side to check you out in real life. Then hand out "Hi my name is_____" pins to all the girls to make for easy identification.

Also show up to the shmorg, as its the only time when guys will make it onto the woman's side for the better food (for some reason the carving station, sushi, or the better hot foods are never on the mens side and only on the woman's)

Oh, and don't wear black, because
even if a guy does notice you he could at least remember something about you to ask someone to find out about you. The girls who wear green, orange, yellow, or something other than black increases their chances immensely. if you dont have enough flavor for that, how about non-black shoes?

itsagift said...

Brilliant! Why didn't anyone think of that til now?!

Bookworm said...

I'm just an old fashioned girl.

What happened to the good ol' days when a girl just had to breathe and she had suitors in her wake? A girl should be pursued! Wooed! Not flipping her hair in a faux casual manner while her eyes dart toward the sea of hats?

I'd prefer to be the quarry. I'm bearing this guy children, I better be the one doing him the favor. Not the other way around.

tembow said...

SD-
Great post, and great comments!!! LOL

Rachelli Dreyfuss said...

I suggest throwing nerf balls with your information...
or even nerf guns!
highly effective...
and fun!

Something Different said...

G6- handing them to the moms would be a death sentence. They would analyze every move you make, every hair on your head...

MY- if you wanna do something constructive, feel free to set up paper airplane making lessons free to all single maidens in our community. ;-)

MM- yeah but nobody gets to pick that way... Herethey can swap airplanes.

BJG- ROFL!

LS- I didn't tell you the plan?

HTTA- you must not be peaking over the mechitza much. Girls wear colorful shoes occasionally.

IAG- I think so too...

BW- lol, true.

TB- Thanks. :-)

RD- yep, the possibilities are endless!

Shades of Grey said...

I recall "The Art of the Date" recommending having a singles gathering of sorts (she doesn't call it a "mixer") before the shmorg for all the single guests.
I think it's a good idea, despite people making fun of the book.

Another one would be to have all the singles submit their profiles and pictures to the family receiving the invitations, they'll whip up a compilation of attendees on a word document, and email them back (guys sheet to girls and girls sheet to guys) so people will know who to look out for.

scala vestibuli said...

Lmho at your post and at Harry's comment. I'm hearing more and more buzzing about bringing back mixed seating (not mixed dancing) to weddings so who knows. (My dad says that no one's gonna want to dance though if they could talk to girls/boys lol)