1- The Self Conscious Friend
I hate when there is a girl at the wedding that only knows you, and clings to you the entire time. After a while, when you've had enough of watching her breathe on your chicken, you tell her you need the bathroom. She of course, lacks the self confidence to go on her own, and assumed you do too. So naturally, she is nice and offers to accompany you. And that's when you lock yourself in the bathroom and vow not to come out for a week.
2- The Shleppy Chuppah
You know the kind I'm talking about. The one where everybody who can prove he is a blood relation walks down the isle. The one where they stop and play some version of "Im Eskacheich Yerushalayim" before the chosson steps on the glass. The one where the person that was "mechubed mit krias kesubah" reads really slow and carefully. Need I say more?
3- The Over Eager Waiter
This is true of all simchas, not only weddings, but I utterly despise when you are enjoying your vegetable soup, or your cream of chicken soup, and you put your spoon down for a second to pour a drink. Suddenly, in swoops the over eager waiter, and you are no longer able to enjoy that soup...
3- The Overly Tight Dance Circle
Now, this is bad for a number of reasons. Think: tripping over long gowns, getting stomped... But I have an extra reason to hate em. When I am dancing in a tight circle, and I feel the lady next to me's arm up against my stomach, and I start to squirm. See, that's the hiding place for my insulin pump, and her arm keeps rubbing it. And then...it vibrates, she jumps and looks at me like I'm wired for a bomb or something... Not fun. I preffer to stick to the outer, more spacious circle.
4- The Graceful Mom-To-Be
Nothing makes you feel dumber than dancing in a circle next to someone who is dancing exuberantly, while you shuffle along like a hippo, than a pregnant lady dancing exuberantly while you shuffle along like a hippo.
5- The Killer Heels
I've written about this before, but tonight at the wedding I had a scary thought. One day, someone is going to be rendered a lifelong cripple from the heels of an over-excited dancer, and they won't even have anyone to sue! How scary is THAT?
6- The Inconsiderate Dance Circle Talkers
You know those two... One person comes into the circle next to you. Suddenly she realizes that the person on the other side of you is her long lost friend. So she reaches across you, and yells a greeting over the the ear-splitting noise of the band. Her long lost friend yells back, and suddenly there is a conversation going on right over you, making you feel like chopped liver.
7- The Dizzying Kallah
These are the kallahs that make me vow not to have dancing at my wedding. I can't pin-point their problem, but somehow, the 30 seconds or so that you are dancing with her are bad enough to make you stagger out of the circle toward the nearest chair.
8- The Electrifyer
You are in a circle of merry dancers, minding your own business, when suddenly one of the Kallah's friends decides to shake things up. She barges in, right next to you, and starts kicking her feet and swinging her arms in an attempt to start this dance in your circle. The problems start when nobody in the circle knows this dance, and so they leave. Then you are left with The Electrifyer, proudly teaching the dance to two or three brave souls.
9- The Water Carrier
The Kallah needs a drink every now and then during the dancing, at least that's what my married friends have implied. But my close friends have always managed to signal to me or another friend, and the drink comes. But then there are the very thoughtful ladies who are sure that the kallah hasn't had enough to drink, and they tell you so. Worse though, is the lady who goes and gets the kallah a drink. So the kallah, being a nice girl who doesn't want to embarrass anyone, is forced to stop in the middle of dancing with someone, and take a sip of the well-meant water.
10- The Private Joke Shtick
This one is obnoxious. So much so, that I hate it even when I am in on the private joke. I mean, it's ok when the school friends have shtick, and the seminary friends and the college friends have shtick. But when two or three close friends of the kallah take a long few minutes for some private joke, I feel it's mean. It's a way of telling the rest of the people there "hey sorry but we are better friends with the kallah than you are."
That was just a start...I could go on all night, but I'll spare you.
What do you hate at weddings?