Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Top Ten Things I Hate At Weddings

1- The Self Conscious Friend
I hate when there is a girl at the wedding that only knows you, and clings to you the entire time. After a while, when you've had enough of watching her breathe on your chicken, you tell her you need the bathroom. She of course, lacks the self confidence to go on her own, and assumed you do too. So naturally, she is nice and offers to accompany you. And that's when you lock yourself in the bathroom and vow not to come out for a week.

2- The Shleppy Chuppah
You know the kind I'm talking about. The one where everybody who can prove he is a blood relation walks down the isle. The one where they stop and play some version of "Im Eskacheich Yerushalayim" before the chosson steps on the glass. The one where the person that was "mechubed mit krias kesubah" reads really slow and carefully. Need I say more?

3- The Over Eager Waiter
This is true of all simchas, not only weddings, but I utterly despise when you are enjoying your vegetable soup, or your cream of chicken soup, and you put your spoon down for a second to pour a drink. Suddenly, in swoops the over eager waiter, and you are no longer able to enjoy that soup...

3- The Overly Tight Dance Circle
Now, this is bad for a number of reasons. Think: tripping over long gowns, getting stomped... But I have an extra reason to hate em. When I am dancing in a tight circle, and I feel the lady next to me's arm up against my stomach, and I start to squirm. See, that's the hiding place for my insulin pump, and her arm keeps rubbing it. And vibrates, she jumps and looks at me like I'm wired for a bomb or something... Not fun. I preffer to stick to the outer, more spacious circle.

4- The Graceful Mom-To-Be
Nothing makes you feel dumber than dancing in a circle next to someone who is dancing exuberantly, while you shuffle along like a hippo, than a pregnant lady dancing exuberantly while you shuffle along like a hippo.

5- The Killer Heels
I've written about this before, but tonight at the wedding I had a scary thought. One day, someone is going to be rendered a lifelong cripple from the heels of an over-excited dancer, and they won't even have anyone to sue! How scary is THAT?

6- The Inconsiderate Dance Circle Talkers
You know those two... One person comes into the circle next to you. Suddenly she realizes that the person on the other side of you is her long lost friend. So she reaches across you, and yells a greeting over the the ear-splitting noise of the band. Her long lost friend yells back, and suddenly there is a conversation going on right over you, making you feel like chopped liver.

7- The Dizzying Kallah
These are the kallahs that make me vow not to have dancing at my wedding. I can't pin-point their problem, but somehow, the 30 seconds or so that you are dancing with her are bad enough to make you stagger out of the circle toward the nearest chair.

8- The Electrifyer
You are in a circle of merry dancers, minding your own business, when suddenly one of the Kallah's friends decides to shake things up. She barges in, right next to you, and starts kicking her feet and swinging her arms in an attempt to start this dance in your circle. The problems start when nobody in the circle knows this dance, and so they leave. Then you are left with The Electrifyer, proudly teaching the dance to two or three brave souls.

9- The Water Carrier
The Kallah needs a drink every now and then during the dancing, at least that's what my married friends have implied. But my close friends have always managed to signal to me or another friend, and the drink comes. But then there are the very thoughtful ladies who are sure that the kallah hasn't had enough to drink, and they tell you so. Worse though, is the lady who goes and gets the kallah a drink. So the kallah, being a nice girl who doesn't want to embarrass anyone, is forced to stop in the middle of dancing with someone, and take a sip of the well-meant water.

10- The Private Joke Shtick
This one is obnoxious. So much so, that I hate it even when I am in on the private joke. I mean, it's ok when the school friends have shtick, and the seminary friends and the college friends have shtick. But when two or three close friends of the kallah take a long few minutes for some private joke, I feel it's mean. It's a way of telling the rest of the people there "hey sorry but we are better friends with the kallah than you are."

That was just a start...I could go on all night, but I'll spare you.

What do you hate at weddings?


Scraps said...

First of all, you know you have 11 things listed, right? There are two #3s.

I actually like weddings, and most things about them. Of course nothing is perfect, and shleppy chupahs are annoying (especially the ones with speakers!) but overall I enjoy myself.

frumcollegegirl said...

the women who stand on the outside of the circle and watch the girls dance. i'm VERY clumsy, and it's embarrassing to know that i'm being watched

G6 said...

The "Breakaway" Nazis -

These are usually 18-19 year old girls who cannot *imagine* that anybody but themselves could possibly be important to the Kallah. Therefore, no matter what circles form, they immediately have to break away and start a new innner circle even CLOSER to the kallah. They will do this every 15 seconds so as to ensure that nobody over the age of 20 gets anywhere near the kallah.
Later in the evening they will complain that all the 'older' ladies are staring at them, presumably for shidduchim purposes, but really they are just too dense to realize that it's because of their colossal rudeness.

chanie said...

1) The music is WAAAY too loud.
2) It may as well be a fashion show.
3) People step on my toes and then give me dirty looks when I push them off my foot.

Inspired said...

LOL #3 did it ever happen to you?

I hate French Serving. The social aspect is the only thing I like about weddings.

Jessica said...

Agree with everything but the last one. The friends are doing it to make the kallah happy, not to make everyone else not in on the joke feel left out.

frumcollegegirl said...

G6- I am not rude!

Yehuda said...

I don't like videos. Do you really want your every last move and facial expression to be recorded for posterity? People compare the chupah to Yom Kippur. Well, how would you like it if a someone was taping your every last emotion during neilah?

I am always self-conscious about videos when I'm dancing at someone's wedding (since I'm always convinced that I don't quite do it as well as everyone else), and I hope that the person I eventually meet and marry feels the same way so that we don't have to have a video at our wedding.

G6 said...

FCG - If you are one of the Breakaways then I hate to "break" it to you, but you ARE rude!
And those ladies you hate who are watching you dance? If you'd stop doing that breakaway thing, THEY'D BE DANCING too!!!!

frum single female said...

i am definitly not a fan of the killer heels. in the summer its the worst. someone with spike heels always manages to step on my sandal wearing toes. it really hurts. often i bypass the dancing to avoid such injuries

Mikeinmidwood said...

Did you notice that at a more modern wedding, more women take off their shoes and dance then at frummer ones?

Lvnsm27 said...


josh0 said...

Over Eager Waiter blocking position:
Hover or rest both forearms hover upon the edge of the table. Next, (a) drink leaning foreward over your dish; or (b) pour that drink into your glass which you have left in position on the table (effectively hugging around your dish in order to reach the glass).

If necessary, give chase and admonish Over Eager Waiter about wasting food.

Frayda said...

I am #1! Sorry!

Anonymous said...

Hi, "something different"

I just want to give you a little chizuk. My daughter is also diabetic and has an insulin pump. She is married with two kids, bli ayin hora, works almost full time, runs her house well, etc.

When your basherte comes along, your diabetes will not be an issue.
Another Diabetic Meidele's Mom

Something Different said...

Scraps- LOL. I really need to stop writing blog posts when I am half asleep. This is another one that I fell asleep in middle of.

FCG- Yeah. Like, can't you look at someone else?? I feel for you...

G6- I don't think this is a contradiction to FCG> Obviously, if she feels like a clumsy dancer she is not going to be part of that group. Just to explain their thought process, though I don't understand it fully, is: this is my friend's wedding and I am here to have fun. Therefore, if a bunch of older woman are in the circle and slowing it down, we'll have to start our own circle- a faster one...

Chanie- 1 and 2 I feel for ye, but number 3? Maybe just cuz you are israeli. People who step on my toe are usually very apologetic.

Inspired- no, but it's a serious phobia. The social aspect is the thing I hate most about weddings.

Jessica- did you read my post about the brido-sapien? Read my lips: THEY DONT CARE!
And I have seen private joke shtick that was so private even the kallah didnt chap it...

Yehuda- Yeah, then you also need this dumb smile plastered all over your face too, JIC the camera is pointed at you.
And my sister didnt want a video at her wedding. My bro in law couldn't care either way... they didn't have one. :-)

FSF- my rule for dancing at weddings is this: dance with the kallah and run for your life.

MIM- I think it has to do with the killer factor of their heels, not their frumkeit.

LVNSM- Glad someone finds it funny. I don't. ;-)

Josh- brilliant strategist. YOu should consider a career in the military.

Freyda- LOL at least youre honest!

Anon- thanks! It's always nice to hear something like that. :-)

G6 said...

SD -
You continue to prove my point.
You say that their thought process is, "It's my friend's wedding..."... wouldn't it follow that EVERYBODY THERE has a kesher to the kallah and deserves a chance to be mesameach her?
It's very egocentric to assume that it's all about one's *own* fun. On top of it, it's not very bekovodik.
It doesn't seem to be only about going fast either - it also seems to be about being in the "inner circle".

Bas~Melech said...

Hm... fairly comprehensive. But you're missing one of my top 10: People who just randomly stop dancing to stand around and clap. This will surely help if the kallah and the person dancing with her weren't feeling self conscious. It also exacerbates the crowding problem because all those people standing around like to stand as close to the action as possible; however, with all the standing there is no room for action. Really, really annoying.

Jessica said...

There was private joke schtick at my wedding and I loved it. Maybe the people who don't like it don't have private jokes that are actually funny...

Something Different said...

G6-honest, you dont need to convince me. I am not, was not, and never will be a breakaway nazi. To clarify, what I meant was that different people have different ways of dancing. Some like to dance faster, and some slower.

B~M- fairly comprehensive?? Ahem...I think the clappers are the only ones I missed. And I have a nasty feeling people are gonna do it when I dance with MP....

Jessica- some are ok, but the majority of the one's I have seen fell flat. The good ones are the ones that have a funny significance for the kallah, but are fun or entertaining for the rest of the crowd. :-)

Staying Afloat said...

Definitely the music, though that's a function of my age. I used to love how it pumped through me, but now I resent it because I LOVE to dance at weddings and when I have a nursing baby with me I have to leave the room to protect her ears- I can't even stay to watch.

Also, I'm not a fan of the separate circles for the mothers. I like to see the generations all dancing together to recognize this person who is a product of all the people there. Maybe this is because of G6's breakaway girls, who I believe are just products of their own exuberance- aka too much energy-must go faster and bigger.

Oh- and the photographer ladder that's always in my path in the circle.

(Long time lurker and appreciator-hi.)

whoever said...

MIM,it has nothing to do with frumkeit, i think the girls just feel very self conscious. I usually take off my shoes by the beginning of 2nd dance, and only put them back on when I'm ready to leave...
And SD, about the Electrifyer: i have two left feet, and when one of those comes along, im the first to run away. and thats why you're left with her.... sorry :-/

chanie said...

SD- this started in the States. People just don't notice- they're too busy dancing to notice that they smashed my foot. And usually, if it was with stilettos, then they're American.

Tamar said...

Strongly agree about the music being too loud (and it's not just my age, which is mid-40's). And this applies to all smachot. I have rarely been to a simcha where the people around the table -- of varying ages -- aren't complaining that (1) they can't hear each other becuase the music's too loud, and (2) it's giving them a headache. This definitely seems to be getting worse, too; I'm convinced the musicians all have hearing loss from playing loud music, the hosts are too busy to notice, and the guests correctly don't feel it's their place to speak to the musicians, not that they'd listen anyhow.
I was shocked by two other complaints:
(1) I was personally so grateful to those people who brought me water during the dancing at my wedding, that I've tried to do the same ever since. The kallah is plotzing of thirst, but doesn't want to interupt the dancing to go get or ask for water. If she doesn't want it right then, she has someone put it down temporarily. From my experience, it's a big chesed, one that I've (obviously) never forgotten.
And (2)Did it ever occur to "frumcollegegirl" that we who are standing outside the circle clapping want to be mesamech the kallah and watch her and her family dance and enjoy, but simply no longer have the co'ach (and this is age -- or illness -- related) to do the dancing ourselves? And/or, BTW, are clumsy, don't know the "newest" dances (in my day, all you needed was the horah!), etc.? I assure you: we're not interested in or looking at you girls, and just want to participate in the simcha to the extent we can.

Anonymous said...

the talking kadies who decide to stand right in the way of the circle so the circle of course gets cut off, and everyine trips over these ladies feet. why can't they just talk soewhere else? also, when everyone has a different dance to dance and everyone dances something else! it's so funny and i HATE it!

Something Different said...

SA- Hey! welcome! Glad you like. You're right about the photographer's ladder. That could be the second number 6. ;-)

WE- why don't you just wear comfortable shoes to begin with?

Chan- but they give you dirty looks? I have NEVER seen that.

Tamar- Yeah, the loud music is annoying too. That can be the second number 8. ;-)
And I think you are mixing up FCG with the electrifyer. People like FCG and me are the unhappy byproducts of the electrifyer. We suffer from them just as much as you do. She is just trying to say that the woman who stare at the people dancing are annoying. (FCG, correct me if I misunderstood...)
Also, bringing water is nice, but I get all nervous from people who do it randomly without noticing that someone had brought her water a minute ago.

Anon- yeah, I don't get those ladies either. :-)

Mrs. S. said...

G6 - I know EXACTLY what you mean about certain younger girls who won't dance in the same circle as "older women" (read: anyone over age 25). In fact, I posted about this phenomenon back in October.
(Something Different - I hope it's okay that I posted the link...)

Single on the Scene said...

I agree with the people who got 'stabbed by stilettos' @ weddings, and it ruined so many new pairs of good pantyhose!
but i have something to add to the top ten list:
I know they do it all the time here, in out-of-town, but I'm sure the States has them as well-the camera guy(s) who come up to the tables with a microphone while the women are eating and ask them to say somethin to the chosson & kallah.
Good part=watching people with parsley or such in their teeth and crumbs on their lipstick say a greeting-almost made me choke on my wedding challah!