Tuesday, June 2, 2009

This Is Not a Post About Shidduch Resumes

The topic of Shidduch Resumes has been written about far too many times in blogsville. And, I would assume that most of the people who've written those posts have a little more insight into the matter, as they most likely have, at some point or another, succumbed to the pressure and made themselves one.

So I am not writing a post about shidduch resumes. I am writing a post about self respect and dignity. Well, maybe I am writing about shidduch resumes, but either way, I'm not trying to be insightful, so I guess I'm covered.

I was in my sister's apartment the other day, and I saw she had some girl's shidduch resume hanging on her fridge. Perhaps MP would be scandalized that it wasn't her resume on the fridge, but I was simply engrossed in the act of reading and mocking it.

The part that struck me as the most demeaning thing I've ever seen in my life came right after her name. It looked like this:

Shprintza Yenty Klein, 22
5'6", slim

Seriously? What the-? I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. "Hey Ma! Let's make me a shidduch resume! It'll say: 'something different, 20(ish), 5'6"(ish), not slim.'"
You might think that sounds degrading, but honestly, is it really any worse? Is this like the girl's price tag? Skinny, slim, average, plump, and obese...what can you afford?

I guess the basic idea of shidduch resumes is not so bad. Like, here's a list of all my references. (See? I did a chessed and wrote it out for you! I'm such a tzadekes you should be extra impressed!) But there is a not-very fine line between a list of references and palpable evidence of a girl's total lack of self respect. And sadly...it seems people cross this line. Many times too many.

Also, if this were a post about shidduch resumes, I would probably mention something my friend just told me. She recently got married to a boy that is quite a number of years older than her, and thus, he had been in shidduchim for a while, and had probably been redt to every girl in North America at some point or other. He said that he has a looseleaf full of all the resumes from all the girls he's been redt to, and each one looks identical. Its as if someone had made a resume for girls to use in shidduchim and left blanks for people to fill in.
"_______ is a ___ year old bright girl with outstanding middos. Throughout her high school years in _______, and consequently her seminary year(s) in _______, she has been beloved by all of her teachers and classmates alike...."
I could go on, but I'm pretty sure I don't need to. You've seem the template, haven't you?

Anyhow, I have just composed myself a shidduch resume:

Something Different: Practically perfect in every way.

I'm pretty sure that's all they need to know about me.


EsPes said...

everyone talks abt the horrors of shidduch resumes, but i still havent seen one that shows a lack of self respect for the girl!

(maybe its cuz i live out of town??? hahahhaha)

Cacti Don't Cry said...

You should include a tape measure with that. Just so they can be SURE.

G6 said...

One of my new "favorite" nahrishkeits is when the boys ask for the girl's "P.T.B." - much more important, apparently, than if she's currently slim.
For those of you who've never heard of this, P.T.B. stands for Potential To Balloon, i.e. did her mother/sisters/long lost relatives gain and retain weight after childbirth or as the years went on.... it seems that doesn't bode well for the girl's chances.
{insert major eye roll here}

whoever said...

this whole world has gone insane!!!

Yehuda said...

You wrote, "...got married to a boy that..." A boy is a "who," not a "that."

Yehuda said...

I agree that some resumes seem the same. But I like seeing them so that I can have a better idea of who the girl is. It saves me time: I don't have to go out with girls who I would have gone out with had I not seen their resume. I'm not talking about looks. I'm talking about how the girl describes herself or what she wants.

Anonymous said...

Shidduch resumes in themselves are not so bad. It's merely a formal list of references. What's bad is when the girl or boy tries to fit their life achievements into a paragraph on the bottom. That's ridiculous - if you are so great, let others say that about you - you yourself can not judge whether or not you have great middos.

Anonymous said...

Mary Poppins is looking for a shidduch?

frum single female said...

ooh, what about a guys PTB- potential to bald?

Mikeinmidwood said...

Frum Single Female

PTB for a man is useless (potential to baloon, not bald) because it always happens right after they get married.

Something Different said...

EP- [grits teeth] will you stop that?? ;-)

CDC- my rule for determining a girl's high based on her shidduch resume: if it says she is above average height, add two inches. If it says she is below average, subtract two inches. So a girl who claims to be 5'6" is actually 5'8". And a girl who claims to be 5'2" is actually 5 feet. :-D

G6- that would be hilarious if I read it in a novel. Being that it's the truth, it brings to mind something I read on the debate over whether or not there is intelligent life on other planets. The answer was "sometimes I'm not sure if there is intelligent life on ANY planet..."

WE- sigh. yep.

Yehuda- I also wrote this when I was literally half asleep (I actually fell asleep in middle and finished in the morning) so mistakes don't shock me. But thanks for pointing that out. :-)
And sadly, you are mislead. The girl doesn't describe herslef, and the paragraph doesn't always describe her. A friend of mine with a bunch of older sisters told me that they all used the exact same personality paragraph. It COULD be useful tho. Shame it isn't....

Anon- exactly. I am too anivusdik to make a shidduch resume.

Anon- compared to me, marry poppins was totally imperfect.

FSF- rofl. But it's hard to tell. I mean, my father has a full head of hair and my 27 year old brother is going bald.

MIM- if he doesn't it shows that his wife is a lousy cook.

Cacti Don't Cry said...

I was thinking more along the lines of a Mary Poppins-esque tape measure. But given the insanity of this whole situation, a regular tape measure would probably be quite useful too. You know, she might actually be a size TWO, and not a ZERO!! GASP!!!!!!

frumskeptic said...

I'm actually in the middle of getting two people to go out,

The guys side wanted a resume. It was so annoying, so i got it for him.

She wrote her
height, eye color, then "slim, pretty, blond"

harry-er than them all said...

what about a resume i got recently "capable in the kitchen"
and for looks "regal" what is she a queen?

G6 said...

translate.G6.com says:

"Looks Regal" - compliment

meaning, "Hey look! For once a Bais Yaakov girl who doesn't slouch!!!!"

Yehuda said...


I don't get you. Don't you realize that people can potentially save a lot of time and energy just by spending 30 seconds to read a resume. I once didn't go out with a girl because in her resume she clearly thought something was very important to her (the dumb cringe-inducing category of "kovei itim") which wasn't to me. Had I not seen her resume, we probably would have gone out and we would have discovered that lo and behold there are hashkafic differences.

frumskeptic said...

I see your point,but with these people, I specifically knew them both.

I dont approve of the assembly line shidduch. I think only people who know you shoud be setting you up, or you should go to events, so that way you dont end up going out with people w/ different hashkafic viewpoints.

Sure there would be mistakes(itsnot often people marry their first date) but atleast you'd know the date won't be bad company, because there was the initial reason as to why you were set up.

These particular people I speak of, share the same outlook on life and if they were concerned about anything in particular, i woulda answered any questions. And they asked a lot, even before the resume went out.

Yehuda said...


Okay, I get what you're saying now and I agree.