Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Brido-Sapien: The Aftermath

Sometimes, I'm scared to get married. It stands to reason that I'm scared of getting engaged. I've discussed the scary things that happen to a kallah in enough detail already. (ie: the way her brain decomposes, and gets replaced with a tape recorder that plays a continuous "my chosson" narrative.)
But I always thought that the wedding solves that. Being the brilliant strategist that I am, I thought of a plan, even though I am nowhere close to having that problem. (In trying-to-impress-people-with-my-knowledge-ese it's called the refuah lifnei hamakah.)
I'm going to have a short engagement.
Simple, but effective. While I realize that the shorter the engagement, the greater chances I have of becoming a bride-zilla, I don't care. I'd rather have a greater level of suffering and get it over with. (Plus I think I'll be too out of it to care. I pity those around me though.)
But lately, I have been noticing a terrifying phenomenon, one that even a brilliant planner like me has not been able to find a solution to. Simply put, after the wedding, some of my friends don't go back from the 'brido-sapien' to the good ol' homo-sapien that they were before some individual of the male species came along and fried their brain.

It gets worse though. Let me give you an example.

Remember the friend of mine who's normalcy (in my sense, not in the MOTS sense) inspired the post about living your life for the sake of shidduchim? Well, she was a seriously normal kallah, as they come. I mean, sure she talked about her chosson all the time, but at least it was in a human sense, not in a my-chosson-is-the-most-unbelievable-guy-oh-my-gosh-I'm-flipping-out-and-did-you-know-I'm-getting-married-and-look-at-the-ring-my-chosson-gave-me-isn't-it-stunning-and-do-you-wanna-see-pictures-of-my-chosson kind of way.
Best of the evils, I think to myself. Inside, I'm plotting to be a little like her. A 'brido-sapien', but a managable one.
But then...it's not too long after her wedding, and I got a text from her, the newly married gal, and freaked out. Did her phone malfunction? Is her husband, who is equally lovestruck texting for her? I wanted to write something along the lines of "who are you and what have you done to my friend?"

Basically, this is what it said:

":-) hi SD!!!!! :-) I'm thinking of u too! :-) ur so lucky ur there!! :-)"

(This in response to "I'm sitting in [insert name of mutual favorite restaurant] and thinking of you.")
After I blinked, pinched myself, and executed all other steps in proving that it was, in fact, a real text, really written by this friend, I answered, "well u could come join us here too. I'm sure ur husband wouldn't mind". Her response?

":-) haha ur so funny! :-) whats up? :-) how's life? :-)"

I was encouraged by the fact that she had the presence of mind to ask a question, but also scared because that first one obviously wasn't a fluke. So we continued in this vein, meaning, I continued hearing about the awesomeness of married life, laced with liberal quantities of :-)'s, in 160 character tidbits until her husband needed her...or something like that.

But that encounter has left me traumatized. Is that the norm for a girl who's been married about 2 and a half weeks? Is the brain-decomposition something that must take place,whether during the engagement or after? Can someone get the drug companies to work on a pill for this? How can we get our friends back?

Am I the only one who is scared of all this?


chanie said...

She's just on cloud seven, in a bit she'll come back down and be normal. The smilies are there because she a) either hasn't gotten used to being married yet or b) is so depressed to be that way that she's covering it up with smilies.

frum single female said...

you never know when bridzilla will rear her ugly head. my brother's wife was a certifiable bridzilla. all i can saw is SCARRRRY !!

whoever said...

You're lucky she's answering your text messages :)
Some day, one day, she might land back on earth...
if you want, we can make a "normal kallah/newlyweds club". ill be first to sign up! :)

Yehuda said...

I didn't know about this phenomenon, but I'll be thrilled if my wife adores me that much when the time comes. (I agree, though, that some of the silly behavior you're describing can be toned down.)

(Question: Do other guys besides me visit this blog?

Mushkie said...

C'mon, tell me that was exaggerated...

Something Different said...

Chan- that's what scares me. I was wondering if it was a cover up for dashed hopes or something.

FSF- yeah, my coworker was like that. Nobody wanted to be around her. She's pregnant now...... O_O

WE- I was suprised that she did. ;-)
And I wouldn't sign up, because I don't see myself being any different. Except that I won't deny it, which will make me different. :-)

Yehuda- There is adoring and there is losing your head. I am guessing you want someone who will strike a balance.
And I can't say about the hundreds of repeat visitors who don't comment, but there are other males who comment. I find though, that some posts are commented on mostly by men, and some are mostly women. I guess it depends on the nature of the post. :-P

Mushkie- Sadly, no. If anything, I toned it down. Unfortunately I deleted the texts, so I had to do it from memory.

EsPes said...

thats :-) way :-) too :-) many :-) smiley :-) faces :-) for :-) my :-) tastes :-)

humph said...

well about the :) it is my absolute favorite thing to include in a text. its like u dont need real words just something like thanks :). or anything :). i always used it and am married now and continue to use it! it will always be my #1 thing to text :).
and no it doesnt mean this girl is trying to cover up, either she was busy and its short easy and to the point or it means she likes it too! :)

Something Different said...

EP- :-) Isn't it? :-)

Humph- Firstly, this friend never put em in before. Also, there is a difference between including one or two and putting one between every word.
You're just insulted cuz you're married! :-p