Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Top Ten Phases of Purim Drunkeness

A few notes about this post. Firstly, it's not a true Top Ten list, rather, it's a list. Being that it's Top Ten Tuesday and being that the list has ten items, the outcome was pretty obvious.
Also, this is by no means a general portrayal of drunk men on Purim. This is more of a recap of my family's Purim seudah.
Lastly, I may have portrayed this as an overly wild affair, but, rest assured, it was in good taste. Nobody get out of control, not even when we were down to the last bottle of "good wine."

Anyhow, here's the list, in order from one to ten, on purpose.

1) Faked jollyness- This is the phase where tipsyness is expected, as the Purim Seudah has already commenced, but the wine has not taken affect yet. This phase is represented by loud, but very coherant singing, among other things.

2) Lengthy, complicated, and overly enthusiastic divrei Torah- this is the phase where each man at the table gets up to give a devar Torah of extraordinary complexity. These are far lengthier than things the men would attempt without the wine, recited with overwhelming enthusiasm, and, surprisingly, fascinating.

3) Loud singing; minor dancing- This is the phase where the men start to sing pretty loudly. The dancing doesn't come in quite yet, unless someone finds himself passing the last bottle of dry white wine to someone across the table. These things shouldn't be trusted in the hands of sober women, you know. (Large quantities of food are digested at this phase.)

4) Louder singing; lots of dancing- the line between phase one and phase two is very fine. Sometime after the Kraut Lukshen is finished, before the Boston Cream Pie is brought out, the singing grows louder and the dancing more pronounced.

5) Disjointed, irrelevant and confused divrei torah- this is when the yeshiva bochurim get up to explain why haman will hang all those who don't contribute greatly to their yeshivah, and the part where the men get into complex tumulting about masechtas they haven't yet learned.

6) Disjointed, irrelevant and confused singing- this is the phase where songs like "layehudim haysa oirah" get combined with "salachti" from yom kippur davening. The main problem with this phase is that at this point, my tone deaf brother is drunk enough to think he sounds great. And the other men are drunk enough to agree with him.

7) Unseasonal singing- This is the phase were my brother will stand on his chair and sing the entire Chad gadya from beginning to end, complete with sound affects. Also included in this phase: opening the door and proclaiming shefoch chamascha, singing a yet-undiscocered tune for maoz tzur, and doing yom kippur style chazanus.

8) extreme tzidkus- this phase makes my mother proud, and the other women cry from laughter. This is the phase where my brother called his rosh yeshiva, leaving a ten minute message on his answering machine, crying as he thanked him for turning him into everything he has become today. (I am unsure how nachas inducing this is coming from a drunk boy but...). This is also the phase where loud, kavanadik brachos prevail, the phase where the boys promise everyone in sight that they will shteig in learning, and the phase where a twenty five minute benching occurs, complete with chazanus and shir hamaalos sung to the tune of "hatikva".

9) all of the above- this is the anything goes phase. It's the time when ladies desperately try to get the men out of the house, in case their alcohol makes a reappearance via reverse peristalsis. It's the phase when nothing really happens, but everyone makes a lot of noise. It's the waiting time before maariv, when the men are not fit to leave the house yet.

10) out for the count- this is the phase where the men slump onto the nearest chair and wonder if anyone wants to carry them to shul. It's on this quiet night that the Purim seudah ends, much to the relief of mothers of little children.

How was your Purim?

4 comments:

FrumJewInYU said...

BOSD, which stages would you prefer don't happen, and which ones are you OK with?

Personally, yesterday I hit 1-4, 6 (I was the one to do zimun, and I attempted to finish my brachos using the Yomim Noraim kaddish niggun from my yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael) and, obviously, 10 (although I got to maariv on my own, thankyouverymuch).

itsagift said...

Ha - sounds like you had a fun Purim!

Just to add - there is a time when you watch the drunk people and feel so lucky to be a Jew! That's what I got to feel this Purim when I saw how the men acted when they were drunk - singing all the most beautiful songs and jumping up and down and going crazy with their davening and all that...then having a kumzitz and singing all the slow songs and getting so much closer to Hashem while they were high!! It was really special!

Anyone care for some chocolate? I have way too much and want to save myself a trip to the dentist! ;-)

ms said...

I enjoyed reading this!
:)

Shades of Grey said...

This is fantastically funny.