Thursday, December 17, 2009

Can "Marrieds" be "Friends"?

Line from a (single) friend:

"I don't have any married friends. Once they get married they're not my friend anymore."

What's your take? Agree or disagree?

18 comments:

stam[azoid] said...

uch, it's so true. this is something that the entire time i was dating i said i would NOT do. i would do my best to keep in touch with my friends (if i moved away) and hang out with them normally (if i lived in town).
I think i did a pretty good job of things... until those friends got married and forgot all of their friends, including me!

I actually had one friend that cut off contact when I got engaged and she was still single. so we can't always blame the marrieds ;)

Brochi said...

Well, i am married b"h and many of my friends started keeping away... although i did make the effort to stay connected. i find i'm losing some of my most secure childhood relationships and it makes me sad. one friend that got married a while after me admitted imagining that marriage is this whole secretive all inclusive institution that does not leave room for anything ot anyone else. being on the other side of the fence she realized that everyone (except the most intense extremists) still cherish and NEED their single friends. if you were never "emotionally married" to your friends things should change only a bit...

inkstainedhands said...

I completely disagree with that line.

While I give my married friends some more space, they are still my friends and I still enjoy going out with them when they're available. Respecting the fact that a person has some bigger things in life now and cannot always be available when you call does not mean that you are no longer friends.

thinking out loud said...

i completely disagree with her.
the friendship takes a different turn, and some adjustments have to be made, but "a friend is a friend is a friend is a friend."

Staying Afloat said...

Agree and disagree. Depends what she means by friends. If she means, "Someone who'll drop everything for me when I really need her and be available to shmooze at the end of my crazy days, and of course I'll do the same for her", then usually not.

And it's hard, because for years and years that's what a friend is. And then it all changes, and has to evolve, but only the single friend gets pulled into it- the married one has jumped.

badforshidduchim said...

Not true. Stupid attitude. Nuff said.

itsagift said...

Okay, you are going to get me started on my "thing"...
If you want to keep up with your friends, you CAN. When my friend got married, I would call her every Friday to say Good Shabbos and now we haven't lost touch!
I can go on and on about this but in the meantime, I'm including a link to the comments on Musing Maidel's blog. Enjoy the back and forth!

Anonymous said...

I think the key issue here is how "emotionally married" you are. (Thanks for coining the term, Brochi - I will add it to my dictionary.) If two friends shared all their deepest thoughts and then one of them gets married and has a husband to share her thoughts with, the single one is not "needed" as much and might feel that she is the only one letting it all out, while the married one does not need her friend as an outlet any more.

-Chan

tembow said...

B"H i try to keep in touch with my friends, and i've been able to keep most friends even tho they're married. you gotta make the effort. give a little space but still call them!!

anon#1 said...

After my friends got married, I gave them the time that they needed. I usually waited for them to call me first. My close friends did call me, whether it was months or even a year after they got married! While I can't speak to them as often or for as long as we used to speak, they're still my friends!

Jessica said...

I have single friends and married friends. I have found though that single friends will refrain from inviting me from things under the assumption that I won't go because I'm married.

frum single female said...

it really depends. and its not always who you think. i have had good friends who have gotten married and we have remained good friends. i have other good friends who have married and their wedding signified the end of our friendship. either way im ok with it . just because someone drops you as a friend because they have married doesnt mean they werent a true friend before they married. life can change and so can friendship. i do agree with the person who coined "emotionally married" . if that is the case it is really hard when a friend marries for the one left behind.
it can be sad when a friend marries or has a child because one's relationship with them can forever change. i am still happy for my friend that she has married and/or has had a child. these are wonderful things in life. if one is truly a friend one understands this even if these events break up your friendship.

Shades of Grey said...

I have yet to experience a situation where a friend who gets married ends the our friendship. It is true that they may be far busier than they were before, and have much less time to spend with me, but one's spouse should be their best friend anyway, even if they need some time to hang out with their buddies.

Nevertheless, most do make an effort to find time for me, whether that means a chevrusa, sitting down for lunch together, or something of that sort. Those moments are usually quality time well spent. The dynamics of the friendship have changed a bit, that's for certain. Some do offer valuable support and advice when it comes to dating...

frumcollegegirl said...

when friends first get married they often drop out of sight for a bit. if they're normal and well balanced they usually come back onto the social scene. but i usually have to give the "marrieds" at least a month

Something Different said...

I think I have a lot more to say on this topic than I originally thought, so I will iyH write a post about it... till then, feel free to add your opinions!

SMB said...

Certainly, marriage changes things. I understand that my friendship is no longer their highest priority - and I wouldn't be happy if it was! My friends are who they are because they understand the value of marriage, and the time and energy necessary for it.

That said, we make time when we can, even if it's only a few minutes on the phone, by email, in person.

RivkA with a capital A said...

If people feel good about themselves, and respect those around them, then they can be friends with anybody.

I am married for 16 years and still have plenty of single friends (most, but not all, of whom would like to be married).

Should couples with kids stop being friends with couples who cannot have kids?

Should still married couples stop being friends with divorced couples?

We choose our friends for who they are.

SIS said...

Disagree. That being said, I can understand why someone would say that, because in some situations, it does appear that way.